First off, I want to apologize for not finishing last weeks blog post, but in the tradition of being a true procrastinator I never got around to it the way I intended to. Psych, I'm not apologizing to you girls. I do this for free for your enjoyment. You should be apologizing to me for allowing me to waste my time on entertaining you guys. Anywho, this good looking slim thing above is Tom Bradys wife Giselle. I figured the best way to get some of you degenerates attention was to put a scantily clad woman as the picture.
So, what did we learn last week? We learned that Ray Lewis is very intense and emotional. I would compare Ray Lewis' intensity to that of me when I learn that it isn't just a fart, but instead is a present for the porcelain god. Really though, are you ever more intense than when looking for a toilet in that moment? It happens to the best of us. We also learned that having a robot like name doesn't ensure you are built like a robot. It actually ensures that you are not a robot. RGIII fell apart in front of our faces. I think the III at the end of his name will end up being the amount of knee surgeries he will need in his football career (Vegas is taking prop bets on this). Another thing we learned is that while men may love redheaded women...(you know who you are), football teams do not like being led by a firecrotch. Lastly, we learned that the Joe Webb is the pride of UAB...but thats all he'll ever be. Now on to this weeks games.
This week there will be an unprecendented event happening that is sure to go unnoticed if it weren't for geniuses like myself. This week in the playoffs, people like Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Matt Schaub and Matt Ryan will be performing on a national stage. For the first time in NFL history, four of the quarterbacks playing in the divisional playoffs will have MORE FOREHEAD THAN EVERYONE IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA COMBINED.
This has got to be the most overlooked indicator for success in football. If you have a white son, who plays quarterback, who has a big ass forehead...the kid is tapped for success. Just make him stick to it. You have got to be kidding me. These are some giant foreheads. I am pretty sure Megamind has been spreading his seed throughout the USA. Now on to this weeks individual matchups
Ravens VS Broncos
The first game of the divisional weekend that is going to be a dud in my opinion. "Hey diddle diddle, Ray Rice up the middle" wont be of much use this weekend because I was told by a very reliable source (Peyton Manning used his giant foreheads ability to look into the future) that they are going to go up by 14 or 17 points in the first half and unleash that big nerd (Von Miller) they have as an outside linebacker on Joe Flacco. Von Miller will have at least two sacks during this game using as tackling fuel all the names Ray Rice use to call him in 4th grade; (among them are four eyes and baby teeth). Broncos will coast to a win unless Ray Lewis uses his inner inmate to stab, I mean knock, Peyton Manning out of the game.
Packers VS 49ers
As I am a Niners fan I am unallowed to pick against my team. However, I do believe the discount double check may work out as Aaron Rodgers will need State Farm to double check for life insurance as the Niners defense shows him what San Francisco is all about. (Besides open extreme gay love, and hippies) Gangs and Defense, Thats what California does. On offense however I will warn of the ability of Colin Kaepernick. Not his arms, or his legs...but his nose. Dude has a nose on him. This nose will allow him to smell what the defense is doing, along with what they had for dinner the night before and who was taking part in San Franciscos Red Light District...UGH.
Seahawks VS Falcons
This will be great game. Intensity on both defensive squads and big hits to boot. Matt Ryan has never won a playoff game and it won't start this year. What will go wrong is a combination of things starting from Atlantas high population of down low men (gay men posing as straight men). Many of these guys are on the Falcons squad but the only obvious one is Asante Samuels. I don't have any proof of this, but his name just sounds like a great gay guys name. Asante and many other players will be out the night before the game gaying it up (singing Beyonce songs and dance battling in high heels) causing them to be exhausted for the big game. The biggest factor in the game will be Russell Wilson. This guy has been a problem for defenses all year. Not because of his running ability or his passing ability. It is because of his ETHNICITY!!! What is he? No one knows. This is what haunts defenses. They try to read his eyes in zone defense and they just get lost in thought "He's looking at the slot receiver...wait, I wonder... is he black? But he looks like he could be Indian. No, not Native American Indian but red dot Indian. Shit, he just threw the ball" TOUCHDOWN. The defenses lack of understanding of what Russell Wilson is will continue to cause confusion and the Seahawks will win by about 5.
Texans VS Patriots
This being the only game that has two of the big forehead QB's going head to head (HA, see what I did there. I don't get enough credit). The best head will prevail. Let us look at these noggins worthy of bloggin (Damn I'm good). Both foreheads have attractive wives and thus tie in that department. Tom Brady has had a better career, even though both QB's got their start as backups to decent QB's. Tom Brady earned his spot while Matt Schaub was simply given his. Endorsement deals...Matt Schaub, if he doesn't have an endorsement for hair club for men then he should. Tom Brady reps for Uggs and Stetson. I hate Uggs and Stetson smells like the bedroom when you walk in on your parents doing the nasty. Most importantly, both of these foreheads have cavemen for targets (Andre Johnson and Gronk). Since Gronk is the only one of these two who can go out after losing the Super Bowl and party like a kid who went solo to prom and drank to much by himself, and get away with it, The Patriots get the nod. It will be a decisive victory.
BAD BREATH...
SEE CREST??? OUT!!!
