Are Those Jeans You're Wearing?

                                         
The older I get the less I can take of the blatant disrespect of mine and your occular cavities.  For the dumb  ones among us, occular cavities are where your eyes are.  I have had it up to here with it (hand above my head and i'm 6 feet tall).  Fat people have always been wearing pants that were too tight but it is beyond the fat demographic now.  It has infected us all.  Dontknowhowtowearmypants syndrome is soon to be the leading cause of stabbings in whatever neighborhood I'm in.  These are the people who will most likely be stabbed to death if caught violating in my presence.

Fat Kid, Skinny Jeans: Let me say this first. I have a problem with all males wearing skinny jeans.  The fad was started by emo kids who figured they didn't want their testicles so they would buys girls jeans in an attempt to push them back up into their body.  However, the fat kid in the skinny jeans is a violation of the most extreme offense.  You know your jeans don't fit fat teenager, you look in a mirror everyday to make sure your hair has the right amount of Axe brand putty in it. You sit in front of that same mirror for at least 20 mins before you go to school, why has it not crossed your mind to take those damn pants off and put on some that don't have a baby mooseknuckle in the front.  Get it together. At least do us all a favor and don't eat today so maybe your jeans will fit by the end of the week. 

Skinny Jeans, Big Shoes:I know this is the hipster thing to do. I have a few big pairs of shoes myself but the problem I have isn't with Nike its with the bastard who decided it was ok to have such an awkward contrast.  If your jeans are barely touching your ankles and are as tight as the underwear that you used to wear...then they are TOO DAMN TIGHT.  Anytime you are wearing jeans they are meant to at least have a conversation with your shoes, this way they can complement eachother all day as you take each step. "Damn Nikes, you guys look good today". "Thanks Levis, I like the fitted and faded look you guys have going on".  It should go something like that, not like this..."HEY, HEY YOU. CAN YOU HEAR ME? No answer because your clothes don't fit correctly you idiot.

Skinny Jeans, BACK FAT: This is fairly self explanatory but what fun would it be if I left it at that.  You know when you are walking behind someone and their pants are too tight at the waist, or at least where they wished their waist was and those things that most people call love handles continue to protrude from your jeans.  Those are not love handles, those are waves of hatred. Every time you move it sends a wave through you fat back and a baby dies because of the resulting shockwave.  Get it together. Lose the weight or the jeans but you cant have it both ways. Many infants will later thank you. 

Sagging Skinny Jeans: When I lived in Cali, the Filipinos would get Khakis and cut the bottom of the legs of so they could sag them. They would end up looking like capris or massive shorts but at least they were baggy. The new thing is to get skinny jeans that are way to short and sag the hell out of them. I think this is so the crouch of the pants don't ride up and chaff the choad/gooch/taint/glory road/mudflap or any other name you may call it.  But wouldn't a more simple solution be to GET PANTS THAT FIT.  Instead we are stuck with having to look at your spongebob drawers and your booty is incredibly hungry.  There are 8 year olds in Africa who those pants would fit just fine. Why are you still wearing them?

Skinny jeans are only ok on women. Why do guys want to wear these? I have been a male for 24 years, I have had testicles for all 24 years. Testicles don't like tight confined spaces; trust me. Everytime I wear spandex to workout in or to play football in they can't wait to be let out.  One time I waited too long to let the old boys out and they smacked me when I finally did.  I still hear about it everyday, they are like an elephant because they never forget.  Guys wearing the skinny jeans, trust me, let your testicles breathe your fully functioning children will thank you.  Continue to wear skinny jeans and your children will come out looking like Zach Galifianakis.