As we get set to embark on one of the most romantic holidays ever created, I wanted to check with you guys and make sure we all understand the importance of Valentines Day.
Before we can fully understand the importance of this holiday for couples around the globe, we should first learn the history of it. You can find it here (http://www.npr.org/2011/02/14/133693152/the-dark-origins-of-valentines-day). Condensed version however is that the Ancient Romans created it from their festival called Lupercalia, a fertility ritual basically, where men and women were paired randomly. Now that we have that out of the way, we can get down to business.
Guys, I hope you planned ahead and set those reservations at your local Applebee's, or if you're a real romantic worth his weight in gold, Red Lobster. Because nothing says "you mean the world to me" like Cheddar Biscuits from Red Lobster. That's only partially joke, Cheddar Biscuits are more important than engagement rings fellas. This year should truly be something special for all the couples celebrating because it'll be on a Friday. With Valentines Day falling on a Friday, you will have to incur more than the normal amount of difficulty getting a table, or if you really love her...a booth and yes it matters.
By the way, I hope you had flowers already ordered and got her work address right; because let's be real, if you dont send the flowers to her office where the bitter single ladies can see them then why get her flowers at all? It's only partially about the gesture of you spending at least an hours worth of salary on meaningless plants that are basically overpriced air freshener. It's more about the announcement that your woman, your special lady, is taken. And some of the ladies in the office...aren't. Ladies, you better believe that the women who aren't, may be smiling and "admiring" your gorgeous bouquet on the outside, but on the inside they hope you eat some bad crab at Red Lobster tonight and get food poisoning. Only after you stick your face into your bouquet to sniff your red roses and you suddenly break out in some nasty herpes looking rash because you're suddenly allergic.
Almost as important as the flowers to work, is some sort of chocolate. Nothing says "I love your beauty" more than an acne breakout in a heart shaped box. You better mean it fellas, because after she smashes that box of mystery chocolates not only will she break out like a 15 year old girl before school pictures and be completely unrecognizable.
If you do it all perfectly guys, you may get lucky at the end of the night. However, if you get lucky are you really lucky? You both had a very large meal, and you better believe you each had at least four Cheddar Biscuits. Not to mention dessert; because your lovely lady deserves cheesecake or a molten lava chocolate cake if her little heart desires it. And ladies, you better eat dessert. If your man is taking you out on Valentines day, then you can rest assured that he won't leave you for at least a few weeks because he's just made a big investment in you. Get that food item that leaves you bloated. You also have to consider the fact that you're eating for lonely Karen from the office as well. Anyway, with all that considered, bloated gassy sex is the last thing that should happen.
Basically what I'm saying is that Valentines day is ridiculous. Nothing about any of these rituals is special. Few things tell your significant other they are special like getting them gifts on the exact same day as millions of other significant others getting gifts. Not to mention, they are receiving gifts not because you just thought they deserved it, but because it's expected because hallmark says so. Or maybe I'm just cheap. Either way, at least you know how I feel.
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