Ladies and Gentlemen, I must admit that I...Am a Chipotle Snob. They always say that the first step to recovery is to admit that you have a problem. However, I don't believe that being a Chipotle snob is a problem; I'm actually rather fond of it. When I go to order my burrito, my bowl, or whatever it may be; I know exactly what I want BEFORE I get to the front of the line. I always say please and thank you, as well as asking how the person prepping my meal is, because as every Chipotle snob knows it is crucial that the person making your burrito be in a good place for your burrito to reach its maximum tastiness.
However, I've digressed from my original point of starting this blog. I am a Chipotle Snob, and I am tired of going in to pick up the worlds tastiest linner(lunch +dinner=...Dunch also works here) and being forced to witness a plethora of rookie mistakes while I wait on line. Its akin to watching a beheading involuntarily. Yes, it's that painful to watch. I've composed a list of the top mistakes and plain Idiocracy I've witnessed. Please alert your friends and family, as we don't want them to fall victim to these same mistakes.
1) Don't let your child order for themself: Children are feable, weak minded human beings and most children, when given multiple choices, will freeze up like a monkey in outer space. You, the adult must do the ordering for the child. DO NOT consult with this weak minded half person and slow the line down because you want your kid to feel special. Lady, your kid is no more special than the one that I left in the car with the engine running, so lets speed this process up.
2A) The sneeze guard isn't just for appearance: I have seen too many people lurch over the glass and put their booger makers directly over the salsa choices, only to open their mouths and let the burrito artist (Yes, it is art. Akin to the Mona Lisa) know exactly which ingredient they would like in their food. Was it at all necessary for you to subject the rest of the public to your ill manners and stupidity, not to mention your poor hygiene, when you could have spoken from behind the glass? I didn't think so.
2B)Also, don't reach your dumb assed hand over the sneeze guard to point directly to the ingredient that you want. These ladies may not speak perfect english, or any at all, but trust me, they understand the words mild, hot, and corn. It may be the only three English words that they understand but they know them well. So stop with the reach around. Thats only ok in one place and it is not your friendly neighborhood Chipotle.
3)Get the phone off your damn head: Unless the person on the other end is President Obama and he is explaning the reasons for NSA spying then take the damn Iphone from your head. Trust me, whatever your saying can wait for two minutes until you reach the cashier and then you can call your co-worker back to complain about Brittany in HR.
4)Be ready to go: There need not be any contemplation on what you would like to order. Any indecision you may have had, better be worked out in your head by the time you get to the tortilla warmer. If you pause to look up at the very limited menu, the person behind you has the right to smack you in the back of the head so hard that you will feel like a runaway slave.
In addition to that, don't ever take an order, by phone, of someone who is not at the restaurant. Having a text order is fine, but the minute you begin to spit off all the options for food to the person on the phone your Chipotle privileges are removed and you go to the back of the line or to the nearest nearest nursing home. That way you can understand what it feels like to be pissed on by the person in front of you. We are usually in a hurry and don't want our 30 minute corporate lunch "hour" ruined by that fecal matter that you call a brain.
This list is not exhaustive, but I am exhausted. I'm tired of watching you miscrients destroy my burritoful experience. I don't come to your house during the Super Bowl and break the TV and ruin your day, so don't ruin mine and coutless other peoples day.
I know that you all aren't such piss poor human beings that you could forget these easy rules. Pass these on. Abide by them, and I can assure you that we will all be better for it. Or at the very least, the little Spanish speaking ladies behind the counter will appreciate it.
VIVA CHIPOTLE!!!
