Help! I'm Being Domesticated

As many of you may know, I've had a whirlwind 4 months. Becoming a dad, and then almost simultaneously purchasing a home. What many of you don't know, is that I'm slowly falling victim to a crime that happens all over this great nation everyday, but continues to go unprosecuted. The crime I speak of takes hundreds and thousands of men's self image daily. The crime: American Male Domestication. 

"What does the crime include"? Well, I'm glad you asked. When a red blooded American male is out of captivity and free to roam, he parties, he watches football endlessly. He takes naps recklessly and sticks his hands in his pants without worry of who may be watching. However, in the process of American Male Domestication there are many symptoms that indicate you are being domesticated.  

SYMPTOMS

1) If you find yourself ordering coffee from Starbucks and your coffee includes more than zero machiattos or lattes. 

2)If you know what drink your female counterpart wants from said Starbucks and you can recite it forward, backwards, and say it in Italian, French or whatever the hell language that damn menu is in with no problem. 

3) If you aren't working, aren't dressing up for some special occasion, or aren't playing golf, what in the Sam hell is your shirt doing tucked in your pants. 

3B) If you're tucking your tshirt in your jeans, and wearing some ridiculous New Balance shoes that don't match your outfit and you never go running. Don't even attempt to turn around and go the opposite direction. You are in too deep, it's too late for you. All you can do is preach the good word to the up and coming males and warn of this epidemic. 

4) If your Christmas list includes: Peace and quiet, tools, and a Starbucks Card, exactly in that order. (This is my particular affliction)

5) If you clothes shop at WalMart. I don't mean socks and underwear. I mean jeans, shoes, the whole nine yards. You've clearly given up on man hood and trying to appear attractive to the opposite sex and now your female counterpart just deals with you because she's stuck with you. 

-there is one exception to this rule: The Nascar WalMarter. This man shops at Walmart because everything manly for him is found here. Nothing more manly than an Intimidator tshirt and some wranglers. 

If you find you are experiencing any of these symptoms, resist immediately and proceed with any one of these solutions. 

Solutions: Grow a manly mustache, walk around with bear chest and fist fight like you live in the 1920's. 

Go on a weekend drinking binge like you were in college again, or if you have to, as a last resort, wear a pair of jorts(jean shorts) with a cut off tee shirt and drink beer and curse nonstop. 

Guys, I'm here to warn you. I'm beginning to fall victim I this crime.  I've tried the police but they don't seem to care. I need Johnny Cochran to help but he's long gone. Use this blog as a warning to all men to come. Don't fall into this trap. Keep being reckless, keep your hand in your pants, and for gods sake, don't go to bed before 10pm unless your work crazy hours. 

Boo This Man!

                          

Have you ever been to a sporting event and witnessed the behavior deemed acceptable? It's completely hilarious but at the same time it's nonsensical. People booing other people, people throwing things, and of course people flipping the bird. Have you ever stopped to consider how this behavior would be received in the real world? I have. 

What would happen if while your checking out at King Soopers, me and three of my closest friends stood behind you and screamed obscenities at you while you load your groceries on the belt? "Hurry up you lousy son of a b*tch.  If it were up to me I'd trade you. You should be happy I'm not your wife, I don't know why they let you in the store!"  My buddies and I are fans of the store and you're in our house. Not to mention as you leave the parking lot to take that long road trip back home, we moon you and throw eggs at your vehicle.  

For better comparison, lets take it to your job, since the guys you're booing are at work. 

"Hey, you sign twirling bastard, get a real job. You know McDonald's is hiring." 

"Barista, you better get this coffee right. I have you on my fantasy team and this is your last chance. You mess this up and you're gonna end up like Pacman Jones; or worse...OJ Simpson. I'll call Magic Johnson himself and let him know what a shitty job you've been doing." 

Even worse than the blatant stupidity displayed at games is the blatant stupidity displayed in casual sports conversation or talk radio. I've too often heard average guys talk about football or other sports like they've been there or like they truly understand what's going on. "Why did he throw the ball there? He's an idiot." This comes from a guy who was a below average junior varsity linebacker on a 2-8 team in his glory days. That's the equivalent of me coming to his IT job and talking trash. "Why did you write that code like that? Don't make me send your ass back to the matrix. An eight year old could do a better job with an abacus. I don't care if it doesn't make sense, you write that code and get it right or ill have you gone faster than a virus on a computer" 

You hear how ridiculous this all sounds? You sound the exact same way in the stands, on your couch, in your car, or wherever you yell at professionals or whenever you discuss things you don't fully understand. So please do us all a favor and sit down and shut the hell up. Thank you. 

Excuse Me If I'm a Chipotle Snob

                             
Ladies and Gentlemen, I must admit that I...Am a Chipotle Snob.  They always say that the first step to recovery is to admit that you have a problem. However, I don't believe that being a Chipotle snob is a problem; I'm actually rather fond of it.  When I go to order my burrito, my bowl, or whatever it may be; I know exactly what I want BEFORE I get to the front of the line.  I always say please and thank you, as well as asking how the person prepping my meal is, because as every Chipotle snob knows it is crucial that the person making your burrito be in a good place for your burrito to reach its maximum tastiness.
However, I've digressed from my original point of starting this blog.  I am a Chipotle Snob, and I am tired of going in to pick up the worlds tastiest linner(lunch +dinner=...Dunch also works here) and being forced to witness a plethora of rookie mistakes while I wait on line.  Its akin to watching a beheading involuntarily.  Yes, it's that painful to watch.  I've composed a list of the top mistakes and plain Idiocracy I've witnessed.  Please alert your friends and family, as we don't want them to fall victim to these same mistakes.

1) Don't let your child order for themself:  Children are feable, weak minded human beings and most children, when given multiple choices, will freeze up like a monkey in outer space.  You, the adult must do the ordering for the child.  DO NOT consult with this weak minded half person and slow the line down because you want your kid to feel special.  Lady, your kid is no more special than the one that I left in the car with the engine running, so lets speed this process up.

2A) The sneeze guard isn't just for appearance: I have seen too many people lurch over the glass and put their booger makers directly over the salsa choices, only to open their mouths and let the burrito artist (Yes, it is art.  Akin to the Mona Lisa) know exactly which ingredient they would like in their food.  Was it at all necessary for you to subject the rest of the public to your ill manners and stupidity, not to mention your poor hygiene, when you could have spoken from behind the glass?  I didn't think so.  

2B)Also, don't reach your dumb assed hand over the sneeze guard to point directly to the ingredient that you want.  These ladies may not speak perfect english, or any at all, but trust me, they understand the words mild, hot, and corn.  It may be the only three English words that they understand but they know them well.  So stop with the reach around.  Thats only ok in one place and it is not your friendly neighborhood Chipotle.
3)Get the phone off your damn head:  Unless the person on the other end is President Obama and he is explaning the reasons for NSA spying then take the damn Iphone from your head.  Trust me, whatever your saying can wait for two minutes until you reach the cashier and then you can call your co-worker back to complain about Brittany in HR.

4)Be ready to go: There need not be any contemplation on what you would like to order.  Any indecision you may have had, better be worked out in your head by the time you get to the tortilla warmer.  If you pause to look up at the very limited menu, the person behind you has the right to smack you in the back of the head so hard that you will feel like a runaway slave.
In addition to that, don't ever take an order, by phone, of someone who is not at the restaurant.  Having a text order is fine, but the minute you begin to spit off all the options for food to the person on the phone your Chipotle privileges are removed and you go to the back of the line or to the nearest nearest nursing home. That way you can understand what it feels like to be pissed on by the person in front of you.  We are usually in a hurry and don't want our 30 minute corporate lunch "hour" ruined by that fecal matter that you call a brain.

This list is not exhaustive, but I am exhausted.  I'm tired of watching you miscrients destroy my burritoful experience.  I don't come to your house during the Super Bowl and break the TV and ruin your day, so don't ruin mine and coutless other peoples day.
I know that you all aren't such piss poor human beings that you could forget these easy rules.  Pass these on. Abide by them, and I can assure you that we will all be better for it.  Or at the very least, the little Spanish speaking ladies behind the counter will appreciate it.

VIVA CHIPOTLE!!!

Stupid Teenagers

I definitely understand what it's like to be a teenager cause I was one not too long ago. I remember constantly thinking I was so important and life was so difficult. I also remember thinking that us teenagers were so slick. That if our parents only knew what we were doing they would kill us, or beat us within an inch of our lives. So in fear of of losing our lives or never seeing the light of day again we would try our damnedest to keep our bad decisions from our parents. Kids these days seem to be doing the opposite. 

Technology seems to be having a negative effect on today's youth and their social norms. Never would my generation ever record ourselves making a twerking video and post it online. My mom would have whooped me in public and made everybody in the neighborhood watch. It's one thing to make a bad decision and then your parents find out, but it's another thing to make a series of bad decisions. The twerking video is a series of dumb assed(pun intended) decisions. 

Decision 1) "We should get some girls to Twerk" (the teenage boy in me can't say this is a bad decision but neither is it good)

Decision 2) "We should record this twerking so we can recall it later and laugh/boast about it" (the story itself should be enough. This is a stupid decision)

Decision 3) "We should post this video we made, and edited, to YouTube so the whole world can see it." (Stupid,stupid,stupid)

Some things are meant to be stories and stories only. Someone in this generation will have to be president one day...how many twerking videos will come out during the campaign, and what will be an excusable amount? 

Personally, I think the worst part is that these kids never learn what is smart and what isn't. How many stupid kids need to get caught fighting, when no adults were around, because someone recorded it and sent it out to all their friends, before they learn to not record the damn fight?

Apparently the camera phone is the brain drain of this generation. However, I look forward to voting when I'm 60 for a guy or girl who makes Herman Cain and Arnold Schwarzenegger look like saints. 

My Weekend at The Southwest Regional

   

I first want to congratulate all the competitors on their weekend, as it was impressive to see the broad range of fitness across a broad range of body types.  The longer I continue with Crossfit the more I am amazed at what the human body can accomplish.  I watched a 120 pound woman, I'm probably over estimating, overhead squat 200 pounds like it was just a 45 pound barbell.  I witnessed a male competitor power clean, jerk, and overhead squat 305 pounds like it was a childs toy. These pure displays of strength, stamina and endurance coupled with outrageous physiques kept my jaw on the floor for the entire weekend.

In the Muslim religion, each person is required in their life to make a journey/pilgrimage, or Hajj, to the holy and sacred city of Mecca.  This tradition is to display ones submission to Allah and the Muslim religion. It is also to display the solidarity of the Muslim people. Although Crossfit isn't a religion, it most certainly is a way of life just like being a devout Muslim.  I whole heartedly recommend taking the Hajj to a Crossfit Regional competition, or the Crossfit Games if you can afford it and are looking to make the next step in your fitness life.
These competitions will open your eyes as to what it takes to get the body you want, or just to increase your Fran time.  It takes a complete buy in.  The people who are the best all have one thing in common...they have bought in completely and fully believe in themselves.  Obviously it takes talent and hardwork to get to where these athletes are in their fitness careers but the buy in is the most important.  I can fully attest to working hard in the gym, but up until about a month ago I hadn't really began to buy in.  I wasn't invested with more than just my time and dollars.  A full buy in takes that next step to mental buy in, the full commitment to a lifestyle and way of thinking that success in any endeavor requires.
With this being said, I will begin my complete buy in process right this second.  While it will be tough, arduous and very tempting to quit, I am buying in completely. It will not happen overnight, but consider me a competitive Crossfitter from here on out.
While this blog has been mostly about Crossfit, take my experience and apply it to your life. If you want to own a successful restaurant of your own one day, frequent a successful restaurant and see what it takes to make it happen.  Go behind the scenes and watch the hardwork and preparation that goes into it.  Apply this technique to any walk of life.  Since I want to be the best at Crossfitting, I needed this trip.  While it hurt my pockets, it was well worth the experience.  You will feel the same way about your experiences, I can assure you.

My Random Thoughts

A collection of random thoughts. These would normally be tweets but I let you guys in this time.

Why do redheads not have souls and when was the meeting to decide that they are the people to make fun of?

Where do racial slurs come from?
Is Jew the only slur that is actually a way of referring to a type of person?
It's all in the adjectives before the Jew I guess.
"He's a loving Jew" or "he's a dirty Jew".
Why are Jews so special that people who hate them get a special term? Anti-Semitic. If you hate any other group your just racist.

Why is it called pooping? That's not the sound it makes. It would be more appropriate to call it plopping. Or maybe splashing.

Why is a mustache called that? It implies that you must have one. Why is a mustache with no other facial hair a sure way to distinguish child molesters? Do they have meetings and decide on the correct grooming to be part of the club? If so, they're awfully organized and we have bigger problems on our hands.

What would it take for me to be in a McDonalds commercial singing an R&B song about the McRib? I have dignity, but I also have rent to pay.
When did it become acceptable for there to not be a guy in the back cooking your burger? If that was sushi and they just pulled it out of a drawer you wouldn't eat it.
Why is it called a French fry? Wouldn't potato string be more appropriate?

How come I never see any Native Americans?

Who started fruits? Why is an orange called an orange and a banana not called a yellow? Was the orange the last fruit to be discovered the guy naming fruits was sleepy? It just seems lazy.
Are Hispanic and Latino the same thing?
We should research their blood and figure out what it is about them that makes them work so hard.
Then when we figure it out inject it into kids today.
Only in America can we make it a bad thing for an ethnicity to work hard.

Why is there a special name for no hair? There isn't a special name for people with hair.

That's it for now

I'm Coming Out...

For those of you who don't know an NBA player officially came out and announced to the media that he was gay, and today it is a big deal in the sports world. While Jason Collins is an NBA player without a team right now this is not a big deal. In my eyes, no one should care. Jason Collins is not the president of the United States and his private life is none of our business.
To be completely honest, I've never really understood the need for gay people to come out of the closet officially and announce it to the world. Does a straight person announce to their parents that their straight? Or how about the person who enjoys being in a book club that reads 50 Shades of Gray? What people do in their personal life is their business and that alone.
I can guarantee, in my life I've had multiple gay teammates on all my sports teams combined. Does that change the way they catch a football, of hand off the baton? No. It most certainly shouldn't affect how we look at them as people.

Here is the link to the Jason Collins article.
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/magazine/news/20130429/jason-collins-gay-nba-player/?mobile=no

Same Love

Only a person who has never been discriminated against can sit in their throne and discriminate. It angers me deeply that two consenting adults are not allowed to engage in an act that stands to harm no one but themselves. To think that just a few decades ago women couldn't vote, blacks were lynched, miscegenation was illegal, and the proponents of these laws felt as deeply impassioned about their cause as people do today about gay marriage.

In my opinion, those who sit in their throne and cast stones, simply lack empathy. They cannot put themselves in another persons shoes and imagine how it would feel to have a group of people tell you that your relationship is wrong. That you don't have the right to get married to the person you love because it is in a book older than us and our parents ages multiplied.

I thought the bible taught love, acceptance and brotherhood. However, all people have used it for has been hatred, war, and excuses. All I ask of those opposed to gay marriage, is to genuinely put yourself in the shoes of a gay person. You are deeply in love and cannot see yourself with another person. All you wish to do is cement your love for one another, and it to be accepted by those who love you, and of course a court of law. You are not recognized the same way your brother or sister is.

I hope in the coming days and weeks, as this topic is undertaken in many circles, that fruitful discussion is spurred. That maybe a mind can be changed, and maybe even empathy be understood. Most importantly, I hope that we be the change that the world needs to see.

MeteorWronglogist

I have an iPhone with a weather app on it so I can check the weather and plan my dress accordingly. I have began to think I'm wasting my time however, and may delete the app. Every day I have gotten in the habit of getting up and looking out the window because these damn meteorologist aren't to be trusted!

Today was supposed to be in the 50s-60s and sunny in Denver. Well I get out of bed and look out the window and there is a nice slick 2 or so inches of snow on the ground and the sun is on vacation. Who the hell is responsible for this kind of screw up?
Only a weatherman/woman could get something that wrong and not pay the price. Only weather people are allowed to be this wrong, this often. If you or I were ever as blatantly wrong as a weatherman, we would be fired and forced to pay the company back because our lack of knowledge proves we lied on our résumé and have been stealing from the company.

By the way, you ever notice that there isn't not a one black weatherman? You know why that is? Because if a black person was ever that wrong about something the media would make a huge example out of him. I can see it now. "Fox news has just received word of a ground breaking story. A black man predicted the weather wrong in Colorado. He will be fired and is expected to be sued by every resident in the state for mental anguish and bringing those damn storm clouds. We are also reporting that President Obama is to blame for appointing this negro to his office of regional weatherman. Congress will also be editing the death penalty for this black weatherman and law banning negroes from giving us any forecasts".

Here is my proposal: Every time a weather person incorrectly forecasts weather they have to complete a series of acts.
1)They must publicly apologize for getting the weather way wrong and confirm that they are in fact idiots.
2) They must take either a vicious kidney shot from a boxer or MMA fighter live on tv.
3) They must take a pie in the face live on tv.
4) They must apologize again while their co workers ridicule them live on tv.

This is not a repetitive thing. After 3 offenses they must parade naked through the downtown area of their respective city hoping to keep their job, only to be fired for embarrassing the company.

The Nuggets are Dangerous

What I am about to say is going to hurt me very, very deeply. I am not going to enjoy this, and it will linger and make me feel like a traitor for a very long time. I already feel like I need to take a long hot shower just for thinking this.

THE DENVER NUGGETS ARE THE MOST DANGEROUS TEAM IN THE ASSOCIATION.

There I said it. It has taken me a very long time to come to this realization. I've seen this coming for a very long time with the acquisition of all these young dynamic players (obviously Andre Miller and his atrocious haircuts don't count as young). The Nuggets, in my eyes, can beat just about any team at home with that run and gun style and their downright depth. Including Miami.
The Laker fan in me is sobbing like a toddler who didn't get McDonalds when it was promised to him. I wasn't ready for the day to come when the Nuggets would be able to consistently put the pounding on The Lakeshow. I still try and fight it. I watch the games hoping Shaq will come out of the booth, put the body on Fareed and show him how to play in the post. However, it never happens.
What instead happens is Mike D'Antoni stands on the sideline and watches the Nuggets like a jealous girlfriend. The Denver Nuggets are what D'Antoni wishes the Lakers could be, but age and talent dictate that it will never happen.
Don't get this message misconstrued. Just because I acknowledge the talent of the Nuggets, does not mean I am rooting for them. I wholeheartedly hope they do not advance pass the first round because I know my Lakers most likely won't.

I'll tell you what though, the Denver Nuggets will never be half the franchise the Lakers are. *Stuart Scott voice* HATER IN THE HOUSE

LAKESHOW FOR LIFE SNITCHES.

The Lion King

Are we really shocked that a lion killed a lady that was in his cage? First off, Lions don't belong in cages. They are WILD ANIMALS. Why do people try to conquer these beasts of the wild and put them in cages? It's not logical. I enjoy visiting the zoo and seeing the lions from 70 feet away, but it's not anymore invigorating than seeing it in slow motion attack a herd of wildebeest on Discovery Channel.
What do people really expect to happen when you get in the cage with a born killer? "But the lion has been in captivity his whole life, he isn't supposed to do that" *in a whiny voice*. Lions are ingrained with the ability to kill and eat, and I think that lady in his cage forgot that her body is a giant T-Bone steak. It might even taste better than a T-Bone because she may have been eating lots of berries and such. I equate getting in the cage with a lion to putting a 12 year old girl in a cell with a pedophile and turning your back. What do you think is going to happen?
I keep watching the news and they are trying to figure out what provoked the lion...maybe it was dessert? She probably showered in her bath and body works Montreal Steak body wash. I don't know if you've ever had Montreal Steak seasoning but I would have eaten her if she smelled like that.

Bad Breath...
See Crest. Out.

You Look Kinda Dumb

                               
Ladies and Gentlemen, I am here to set the record straight.  I am sure I am not the first person to tackle this subject and i'm sure I wont be the last; however that is not going to stop me from laying into the ladies...(no jokes intended).  I can't take it anymore, you guys all look the same.  Everywhere I go on a Saturday afternoon it seems like I keep running into the same woman but with subtle differences each time.  One time she may have blonde hair, the next time she may be a soul less ginger but still the same woman.  Ok, I'm obviously being a little tongue in cheek here but you get the point.  Here are a list of things that women wear and do that guys think looks ridiculous but they still do it.

1) Uggs. Obviously: Every guy will admit to his friends that you Look like an idiot.  Unless you are living in the  Artic, Antartic, or there is snow on the ground then there is no reason for you to be wearing these "boots" on your feet.  I call them "boots" because they aren't technically boots.  The definition of boots is "A sturdy item of footwear covering the foot, the ankle, and sometimes the leg below the knee."  Look at these disgraces.  They certainly are not sturdy.  You might as well be wearing flip flops with socks and leg warmers because thats how dumb you look.

2) Leggings, a skirt and Uggs:  I've already stated my position on leggings in previous blogs and if you don't recall it then go back and read my blogs. The purpose of leggings is to keep the legs warm, then the idea and purpose behind a skirt is the keep the legs cool because it is hot out.  Lastly, the point of the overpriced Chewbacca socks is to keep your feet warm.  Not only does this combination make you look stupid, but it makes your body feel stupid as well.  It doesn't know whether to sweat to cool you or shiver to heat you.  Just stop it.  The worst culprit of this is CU Boulder.  On any given day, when the temperature is below 40 degrees, half of the females student body members are wearing the exact same outfit.

3) Skinny Jeans, Frog Body:  First, imagine a frog out in nature. Out in the pond just enjoying its wonderful carefree life.  Then a human comes along and domesticates this frog, stands it up and puts pants on it. No butt and no real size to the legs...all the weight is in the midsection.
                                               
I notice this in teenage girls more than in adults.  A girl who does not need to be wearing tight clothing is wearing the tightest jeans she could fit her little frog legs in, however, everything else, that is MUCH BIGGER than her legs, is hanging over the edge of those jeans.  Not only that, but the shirt  she is wearing is sucking the life force out of her and her extra flabs of skin are exposed.  Since their parents aren't brave enough to tell them to change before they leave the house, it is our responsibility as men to stare with obvious discontent until they see us. Then stare more.

4) Anything Lady/Guy Gaga wears: No more words needed
                                     

5) Anything Snookie wears...
                                         

6) Out late with heels in hand:  I absolute hate when I go out for a night on the town and I see a girl walking around with her heels in her hand and she is barefoot on public sidewalks.  First, before you start to think of excuses for this lady, think if the roles were reversed.  What if you saw a guy walking around with his sneakers in his hand and barefoot after a night out.  You'd be like "what is this bum doing walking around without shoes".  So with that in mind, why is it different when girls do it? Whats more disgusting than walking around the puke ridden streets of Downtown Denver without shoes on.  The homeless don't even walk around sans shoes.  Not only is this disgusting but it takes the fun away from watching girls almost break their ankles while walking down the sidewalks riddled with cracks.  If you have never played "Is it the booze or the shoes" you are missing out.  Watch girls with high heels walk down the sidewalk after they have been to the bar and you and your sober friends guess whether the booze is why she is walking funny, or if its just her uncomfortable heels.

7) The Duck Face: 
                 
We get it, you want to take a picture of yourself but don't know what face to make.  Not being creative enough to just smile you decide to purse your lips together making the infamous duck face.  No matter how attractive you may be, or may have appeared  prior to this you have forever shamed yourself and your family.  If this were Ancient China you would have brought shame to your family and been exiled to Mongolia.  Get it together ladies and stop doing this.  No one thinks its cute...deep inside not even you.

I don't have time to continue to vent.  Guys and gals, feel free to comment and add your stupid girl habits and fashions.  Entertain me. Its time the roles be reversed, plus you guys didn't do anything special for me for Black History Month.  Thank God McDonalds introduced the Fish McBites though.

Divisional Playoff Picture

                                                
First off, I want to apologize for not finishing last weeks blog post, but in the tradition of being a true procrastinator I never got around to it the way I intended to.  Psych, I'm not apologizing to you girls.  I do this for free for your enjoyment. You should be apologizing to me for allowing me to waste my time on entertaining you guys.  Anywho, this good looking slim thing above is Tom Bradys wife Giselle.  I figured the best way to get some of you degenerates attention was to put a scantily clad woman as the picture.

So, what did we learn last week?  We learned that Ray Lewis is very intense and emotional.  I would compare Ray Lewis' intensity to that of me when I learn that it isn't just a fart, but instead is a present for the porcelain god.  Really though, are you ever more intense than when looking for a toilet in that moment? It happens to the best of us.  We also learned that having a robot like name doesn't ensure you are built like a robot.  It actually ensures that you are not a robot.  RGIII fell apart in front of our faces.  I think the III at the end of his name will end up being the amount of knee surgeries he will need in his football career (Vegas is taking prop bets on this).  Another thing we learned is that while men may love redheaded women...(you know who you are), football teams do not like being led by a firecrotch.  Lastly, we learned that the Joe Webb is the pride of UAB...but thats all he'll ever be. Now on to this weeks games.

This week there will be an unprecendented event happening that is sure to go unnoticed if it weren't for geniuses like myself.  This week in the playoffs, people like Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Matt Schaub and Matt Ryan will be performing on a national stage.  For the first time in NFL history, four of the quarterbacks playing in the divisional playoffs will have MORE FOREHEAD THAN EVERYONE IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA COMBINED. 

This has got to be the most overlooked indicator for success in football.  If you have a white son, who plays quarterback, who has a big ass forehead...the kid is tapped for success.  Just make him stick to it.  You have got to be kidding me.  These are some giant foreheads.  I am pretty sure Megamind has been spreading his seed throughout the USA.  Now on to this weeks individual matchups

Ravens VS Broncos
The first game of the divisional weekend  that is going to be a dud in my opinion.  "Hey diddle diddle, Ray Rice up the middle" wont be of much use this weekend  because I was told by a very reliable source (Peyton Manning used his giant foreheads ability to look into the future) that they are going to go up by 14 or 17 points in the first half and unleash that big nerd (Von Miller) they have as an outside linebacker on Joe Flacco.  Von Miller will have at least two sacks during this game using as tackling fuel all the names Ray Rice use to call him in 4th grade; (among them are four eyes and baby teeth).  Broncos will coast to a win unless Ray Lewis uses his inner inmate to stab, I mean knock, Peyton Manning out of the game. 

Packers VS 49ers
As I am a Niners fan I am unallowed to pick against my team.  However, I do believe the discount double check may work out as Aaron Rodgers will need State Farm to double check for life insurance as the Niners defense shows him what San Francisco is all about. (Besides open extreme gay love, and hippies) Gangs and Defense, Thats what California does.  On offense however I will warn of the ability of Colin Kaepernick. Not his arms, or his legs...but his nose.  Dude has a nose on him.  This nose will allow him to smell what the defense is doing, along with what they had for dinner the night before and who was taking part in San Franciscos Red Light District...UGH.

Seahawks VS Falcons
This will be great game.  Intensity on both defensive squads and big hits to boot.  Matt Ryan has never won a playoff  game and it won't start this year.  What will go wrong is a combination of things starting from Atlantas high population of down low men (gay men posing as straight men).  Many of these guys are on the Falcons squad but the only obvious one is Asante Samuels.  I don't have any proof of this, but his name just sounds like a great gay guys name.  Asante and many other players will be out the night before the game gaying it up (singing Beyonce songs and dance battling in high heels) causing them to be exhausted for the big game.  The biggest factor in the game will be Russell Wilson.  This guy has been a problem for defenses all year.  Not because of his running ability or his passing ability.  It is because of his ETHNICITY!!!  What is he?  No one knows.  This is what haunts defenses. They try to read his eyes in zone defense and they just get lost in thought "He's looking at the slot receiver...wait, I wonder... is he black? But he looks like he could be Indian. No, not Native American Indian but red dot Indian. Shit, he just threw the ball"  TOUCHDOWN.  The defenses lack of understanding of what Russell Wilson is will continue to cause confusion and the Seahawks will win by about 5. 

Texans VS Patriots
This being the only game that has two of the big forehead QB's going head to head (HA, see what I did there. I don't get enough credit).  The best head will prevail.  Let us look at these noggins worthy of bloggin (Damn I'm good).  Both foreheads have attractive wives and thus tie in that department. Tom Brady has had a better career, even though both QB's got their start as backups to decent QB's.  Tom Brady earned his spot while Matt Schaub was simply given his. Endorsement deals...Matt Schaub, if he doesn't have an endorsement for hair club for men then he should.  Tom Brady reps for Uggs and Stetson.  I hate Uggs and Stetson smells like the bedroom when you walk in on your parents doing the nasty.  Most importantly, both of these foreheads have cavemen for targets (Andre Johnson and Gronk).  Since Gronk is the only one of these two who can go out after losing the Super Bowl and party like a kid who went solo to prom and drank to much by himself, and get away with it,  The Patriots get the nod.  It will be a decisive victory. 

BAD BREATH...
SEE CREST??? OUT!!!

Your NFL Playoff Picture Game 1

                           
First Off, let us reflect upon where we were at this time last year.  We were on the verge of watching Timothy Dick Tebow play his first playoff game after backing in.  Somehow in that game the Broncos managed to win and I was at that moment convinced that there was a God and this Dick Tebow guy had managed to become best friends with him.  I was willing and ready to hand my life over to the Mormon church and worship with them, and then in a weird twist of fate God showed me that I shouldn't believe everything this Tebow guy was preaching and let the Patriots break his ribs and thoroughly abuse him. 

I was reinvigorated, much like the neck of Peyton Manning which is to thank for killing the career of this Tebow character.  Now in this new NFL playoff picture there is only one relevant Christian and he plays for the Minnesota Vikings.  Anyway, lets breakdown these playoff match ups in a much more interesting way than they do on ESPN. 

Cincinnati Bengals at Houston Texans

QB: Matt Schaub has a rapidly receding hairline Andy Dalton has a head that is the same color as a lit match.  I will have to give the edge here to Andy Dalton.  Even though redheads are only cool in fantasies and pastries (Little Debbies), no one likes an old balding guy unless he's funny. 

WR: Both teams have dominant tall black guys.  The Bengals have AJ Green who is about as physically gifted as they come.  He can jump and contort his body in all kinds of ways and make some pretty incredible ways.  The Texans have Andre Johnson who is also a physical freak and looks like the product of genetic altering and slave breeding combined.  Even though AJ is only one letter away from being the greatest person alive I will have to give Andre the upper hand in this category for fear that if he found out I didn't he would give me one of those Cortland Finnegan beat downs

Defense: I have seen the effect JJ Watt can have on a game and while I fully understand that, there are many other things to consider.  First off, the Texans defensive coordinator is Wade Phillips, son of Bum Phillips.  With that being said we all know how I feel about BUMS.   Also, if you haven't seen Wade Phillips, he looks like the byproduct of a Newt Gingrich and Roseanne Barr love child.  The most important factor however is the fact that Cincinnati has more Samoans.  I don't know if you have ever seen a Samoan in real life but they are the most intimidating people on the earth next to Black people, Asians in all black, and deranged looking white guys (they blow things up).  Advantage goes to Cincinnati.

Overall: With the distraction of Andy Daltons fiery red hair, and the Samoans making everyone poo their pants on the Texans offense, the Bengals will win this game with a fair amount of ease.  That is unless Andre goes Rick James on someone again.  Then who knows what will happen.