"Your Honor...She Wasn't With Me Shooting in the Gym"

                             

This is something I've been ranting about for a very long time and I figured I should bring it to the people. 
Divorce!!! We all have in some way, shape, or form been affected by a divorce.  However, no one is affected the way a professional mans wallet is.  It is absolutely ridiculous the way we penalize a man for being successful and having a woman by his side during that time.
First example: Eldrick "Tiger" Woods. 
This man had it all.  He was the greatest golfer of all time and was reaching a whole new level of stardom...and then it happened.  It happens to every great man; they think they are invincible.  He was sleeping his way around the world, trying to create world peace.  His wife didn't like it though.  So instead of trying to figure out where she went wrong in all of this, because there was clearly something she wasn't doing (tongue planted firmly in cheek) she decided to divorce him.  Okay, now I totally understand that she felt betrayed and was publicly humiliated but how much is that worth? Maybe five or six million dollars tops right? Nope, apparently her job as a wife was worth $750 million!!! Are you kidding me?
You mean to tell me, that Elin Nordegren was so valuable to Tiger Woods career that she would have earned $750 million dollars in that time? Get the HELL out of here.
Second Example
Kobe "Black Mamba" Bryant
I'm pretty sure everyone knows about this situation. Kobe Bryant had extramarital sex with some trashy lady in Eagle county, Colorado while there to get knee surgery. To the unintelligent who are reading my blog, extramarital does not mean extra sex with his wife. It means he was cheating. While he was accused of rape, and openly admitted to cheating on his wife she stuck by his side like conjoined twin myslexia (where's my South Park fans).
On a side note what was the girl doing to have so many Semens in her underwear? The only logical excuse for this is that she is a competitive sex addict and she was competing that day.

Anyway, Kobe Bryant's wife, Vanessa Bryant fought through all that publicity and public humiliation while Kobe was fighting the case and still balling like a Hall of Famer. Then out of nowhere they were suddenly separated and ready to get divorced.
It was reported that she was going to get upwards of 150 Million dollars!!! At least according to my sources... Drake.
Was her public humiliation worth 150 Million? Absolutely not. Once again her humiliation was probably worth a few millions dollars and maybe a few Coach bags, but 150 Million?
I have lots of memories of Kobe Bryant on the court while winning his multiple championships. The alley oop to Shaq, him hugging the trophy with the nasty uncombed afro and multiple clutch shots on the way to those titles. None of these memories incorporated Vanessa Bryant. You know why that is? Because she never dunked on anyone in her life. She never hit the game winning jumper, never even hit a clutch lay up, and the only oop she's throwing has nothing to do with basketball(if you know what I mean)

All in all, don't get married if you have that much to lose people. You would think professional athletes would learn by now because clearly they aren't the first people to get married and divorced in the history of their sport and they certainly won't be the last. I can't blame the women in these cases however. Because you better believe if I had the chance to marry and divorce Oprah sans Pre-nup I'd be all over it.  

Come on ladies

                          

Ladies please listen up when I say to you that THIS IS COMPLETELY UNFAIR!  Do you have any idea what it is like to be a man and we have to walk around and see you in this.  This has got to stop!!! Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love leggings in women; therein lies the problem.  Every man loves women in leggings and it is impossible for us to go about our daily life without seeing a fit women in leggings, not to mention women who don't belong in leggings (another blog another day).

Here is the problem I have with this; we, as men, are obligated to stare at you when you walk by us in this. Men are wired to not only look at you when you walk by us, but lose all train of thought and drop our jaws.  I remember when I was younger and I didn't understand what the older guys were doing, and how they couldn't look away, but now I completely understand.  I mean even Albert Einstein would look at this if he were still alive.  You could have two philosophers discussing the human condition and lose all train of thought when they see this. 

Just stop doing this ladies, and if you aren't going to stop then don't get mad when we cant look you in the face anymore because of the awful shame we feel for staring at your assets.  Just imagine if we all walked around in white leggings and you could see all that we can see, it would be impossible for you to conduct yourself correctly around us. It would probably be because you guys would be wanting to laugh at us or throw up however. 

Bumper Stickers

                               
I had a long drawn out introduction but lets skip it because we've already been acqainted and get right to the point.  I HATE BUMPER STICKERS! And here is the list of the ones I hate and why.

1) Political Bumper stickers:  What better way to make your car a target for keying than having a Tea Party sticker on it while parked in an urban neighborhood.  I especially hate this if the car you drive is counter to the beliefs of that particular party (ex: having a republican sticker on you busted up 1992 Toyota)

1A) If you have a NObama sticker, It reads to me "Racist inside, don't make eye contact" Just kidding, but seriously

2)Honor Roll Student: We are all proud of your honor roll student, and by we I mean just you.  The funny part about these stickers is they don't make your student feel important.  It doesn't even say the name of the  person who earned it. 

2A) Your pet is not smarter than anyones child.  That sticker is the reason you are 45 and lonely.  Get some friends and stop buying bumper stickers about your pet Cat Lady.

3) Free Tibet:  From the sticker we can come to a few conclusions.  A) Tibet isn't free and we need to free it but you didn't tell me how and 5 seconds later we no longer care. B) Tibet is free, where can I get my share. I don't know how it taste but Free Tibet sounds delicious

4)Subaru Driver, Bumper Sticker: You are a hippy and nobody cares what you have to say.  Go away and take a shower.

5) "I'd Rather Be Fishing":  Would you really rather be fishing than being stuck in traffic? You are the only person who would rather be somewhere else older male.  You wouldn't rather be in Vegas, or in LA on the beach? You my friend are stupid and I hope you never get to go fishing again.

6)The Jesus Fish: "Everytime I think of Jesus all I can think about is fish".  I have one word for the rich idiot who thought of this bumper sticker...WOW

7) The Darwin Sticker:  You, evolution believer were so threatend by the Jesus fish that you had to copy it and add feet.  Bravo you passive aggressive sissy; you are clearly one upping the religious zealots now.  You my friend are not only a thief but gutless. 

Rule of thumb: Unless your bumper sticker is so funny that you must share, then keep it to yourself.  Before you put it on your car ask yourself this "Will this enhance almost everybodies day?".  If the answer is no, then you should say no.  Lastly, say no to mini vans!!!!

Always A Fire | Chad Jones Documentary

Great story about a sure thing that gets ripped from you in an instant. 

I Hate Your Facebook Posts

                              

I remember when I first got a facebook account back in Freshman year of college.  It was such a nice tool back then.  That was when only college students could get it and before the term "Facebook Stalking" was invented.  It was a way for college kids to stay connected aka a way for guys to hunt down girls in college (as if the traditional way wasn't working good enough), but then the evolution began.  They soon opened it  to all kinds of people: High School kids, Parents, businesses etc; and slowly but surely it lost its allure.  You're photo albums of you passed out wasted with penises drawn all over your face, because you have awesome friends, no longer was a source of hilarity but rather a tool to be used against you in job interviews.  Your plans for the night posted on your status suddenly became an invitation for the crazy guy to show up and awkwardly stare at you ( you know who you are guy, and you girls all have that facebook friend).  However, all of this isn't what made Facebook into a shell of what it use to be...YOU DID!!!

You ruined Facebook for everybody with your silly posts that aren't relevant to anyone on your friends list.  You don't believe me...here is the list of annoying things that people do on Facebook. Tell me you don't agree.

1) Repeatedly Posting pictures of your child:  We were all happy for you being pregnant and expecting your first child (We doesn't include your disappointed parents, your best friend or the babys father but you get the idea). But then, it took a turn for the worst.  It got annoying when you started posting pictures of your pregnant stomach all over THE BOOK every two weeks. We get it, you're getting huge. That's really important because you are the first girl to ever get a huge stomach when shes pregnant.  Amazing. Just when we didn't think it could get any worse, you actually had the child and every breathing moment became a photo that you just had to share with all of us.  Let me be very clear here: WE DON'T HATE YOU OR YOUR CHILD BUT DAMN. WE DON'T NEED TO SEE ALL OF IT. 

2)Posting Pictures of your food:  THE BOOK is not a cooking website.  We don't give a damn what you made or what you ordered at a restaurant unless it is of epic proportions.  Get that off my timeline.  Posting pictures of your food could only mean two things: you're fat, or you will be fat very soon.  (Literally just laughed loudly to myself) 

3) The Religious Guilt:  I am not taking a stance on religion here because religions themselves don't annoy me...but what does is your "Like this if you love God. If you don't, keep scrolling.  Only you and God will know".  This is the most ridiculous garbage.  I'm sure liking this picture or status will keep God off my back for 24 hours, I don't know how people ever got along with God before THE BOOK came along.  I'm plenty sure that God is more concerned with the fornication that you were involved in on Saturday night and liking this picture/or status wont get you out of the buddy. 

4) THIS:
I admit these kind of little gems were hilarious when people first started doing them. Now they are just annoying as hell.  Any ten year old with a computer could do this, why is yours so important.  I hate your guts. 

5) Your Shameless Publicity:  You are pushing a product and we have to hear about it every 5 seconds.  Cool right? NO. No one understands more than I do that having people aware of your product is the best way to sell, but as a salesman I also understand that bombardment is a horrible sales strategy.  Inform me, humor me, show me why I should be interested or want to buy. Get that mess off my timeline. 

If you are guilty of these atrocities, don't feel bad, don't get mad. Just stop doing it, and you'll be amazed at how quickly people will start liking your statuses again.  Bums

"Colored People Time" Explained

                                       

Quite often I get invited to events by my friends, whether it be a barbecue, party, or round of golf; and for some reason I cannot get myself together in time to be there when I told them I would get there.  Its really quite mind boggling because I fully intended to be there on time, and sometimes I even intend on getting there early but it never happens.  My whole life I've always heard of this phenomenon called Colored People Time, and always thought it was just people looking to attribute tardiness to Black people, (we all know that everything bad is always attributed to black people, ie the Civil War which had nothing to do with us).  However, the older I get I see that this thing Colored People Time is a real thing and can be explained, I fully intend to here.

First, we all know that whenever you invite your Black friends to events we/they are always at least 10 to 15 minutes late.  Initially you think that because Black people are inherently so hip and cool that we have to always be fashionably late, false. Even though we are inherently more hip and cool than any other race; if you don't believe me challenge us to a dance contest...Yeah, I didn't think you wanted that problem, we've all seen "You Got Served".  When we are tardy it is not a conscious thing, we really cannot help it.

Secondly, you think to yourself "okay, since *insert name of Black friend here* cannot be on time I will always tell them to be wherever it is they need to be at least 15 earlier than the real time". This at first seems brilliant, however do not let us get ahold of this information at all. It will work the first time, maybe even twice but we all know the saying, "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, I'm going to be a half hour late next time because you think you can play me sucka".  I think it goes something like that.  So what do you do? You accept it.

So how do we explain this phenomenon? It goes back to slavery.  Back when the ancestors of Caucasian Americans were punishing my ancestors for taking breaks or not doing enough in the fields we developed an aversion for time.  We learned to work so diligently and steady that time was not a factor.  We didn't have watches or clocks. All we had was the sun and the moon.  So while your ancestors were indoors, enjoying the manual air conditioner (house slave fanning them), and looking at their pocket watch and thinking it was about time for dinner or lunch or whatever the event be. My ancestors were working away, and the same goes for us today. When we are late to your party, dinner, or whatever, it is because we were at home working diligently. Working diligently making sure these Jordans match perfectly with my shirt and hat (they always do); or working diligently smacking some person on Xbox in Madden; or quite honestly working diligently not giving a damn about being on time to your event.

In closing, DONT YOU EVER, EVER, EVER REFER TO YOUR BLACK FRIEND BEING LATE BECAUSE THEY ARE ON COLORED PEOPLE TIME. You will most likely get publicly disrespected and probably lose your Black friend.  Never refer to a Black person as colored...you will always lose.  Anyway, the next time I am late to your event, understand. Understand that it is in my DNA, and nothing can change whats in our DNA.  ;)

Ladies and Gentlemen...Cory Ford!!!!

                                     

This fake smiling black person above is Cory Ford.  Dont bother googling him because all you will find is a picture of him and Jerry Sandusky doing The Waterboy hand slap (true story).  I've known Cory for a long time, and he has always been one of the funniest people I know, however this blog post has nothing to do with him being funny or witty or even having the worst rapist stache this side of The Mississippi (also true).  This blog post is a pay it forward story, it is funny in the sense that it relates back to one of my previous blogs about Homeless Entrepreneurs (check that out by the way).  I copied this story from his facebook profile. Check it out and spread the word of this, its pretty amazing. 

"For the first time ever walking in the city, a homeless man asked not for money but straight up asked me to buy him some food. So I said "Hell Yeah man!!! What do you want?" I think he was shocked I said yes. We walked into McDonalds and he tried to order a Big Mac but it was still breakfast. I think he was kinda disappointed. It was kinda like the scene on Big daddy but reversed. He ended up ordering a Big Breakfast and then ordered a Egg McMuffin for his "wife". I'm pretty sure there wasn't a wife. But all in all I think he was happy and I feel pretty damn good about it too, even if he did eat his "wifes" food too."

This little act may have changed this homeless mans whole day, week, or even month.  Maybe now the homeless guy will  stop drinking so much and harassing random strangers for change.  Probably not, but  its a thought.  Anyhow, take notice and pay it forward. 

Lastly, I figured the best way to reward Cory for this random act of kindness is to make him a celebrity of sorts.  Spread the story, if you see him on the streets yell loudly that Raphael was the worst Ninja Turtle and give him a high five; he'll love this...trust me.

Crossroads GPS: "Basketball"

I had to share this because I laugh hysterically everytime I see it.  I hope you all giggle the same way. Go Mitt Romney hahahahaha

The Trash Your Kids Are Watching

                          
I look at cartoons today and I feel so ashamed to say that I ever use to watch an extreme amount of them.  On occasion i'll sit down with my niece and try to comprehend the incredibly incoherent, extremely dumb cartoons she watches. It is so hard to understand that I don't even know where to start.

I guess I'll start with Spongebob. Ok, so there is a sea sponge, a starfish, and a squid that are all friends...well the sea sponge and the squid work at an underwater restaurant called the KRUSTY KRAB.  Forgive me if i break out in a curse filled rage because this is where shit gets really stupid. The owner is a crab named Mr. Krabs, (please don't attempt to hold in your laughter at the obvious innuendo).  At the Krusty Krab their main sandwich is the Krabby Patty (which we can assume contains crab, which we can also assume is the reason you never see anymore crabs in Bikini Bottom (the name of the city this all takes place in)).  Now, to add to that, Mr. Krabs has a daughter...wait for it...WHO IS A GOTDAMN SHARK!!! No wonder kids cant figure out that 2+2 equals because they think that a crab has sex with another crab and by some miracle a damn shark is produced.  This is irresponsible programming.

Then there is this Columbian prostitute who goes by the name Dora The Explorer.  She hangs out with a purple monkey and a talking backpack.  This program is supposed to be educational but it is the exact opposite.  The damn Columbian prostitute will ask obvious questions of your kids and wait for them to answer for like a really long time.  There will obviously be a golden key on the right side of the screen as big as day and she will say "Can you find the key?"*insert really long awkward pause* Your kid doesn't answer or move and then Dora says "Look, there it is. You found it".  This is why your son or daughter will never answer any question you ask them because they assume you will just answer the question and reward them with smiles and applause.  Now your kid thinks they are some sort of Jedi that can answer questions without moving or saying anything (which is possible by the way but in very few situations i.e When a bum asks you for change and you just look at him without saying anything or moving).  People, don't let your kids or your nieces and nephews watch this trash. It will melt their brain and they will start to think in Nickelodeon terms. 

What Does It Mean To Be Black?

                                      

For as long as I can remember I've been a black person, and I don't expect it to change anytime before I die.  When some people hear the term black guy they think of a rapper; when others hear the the term they think of maybe their black friend/s. Very rarely is the black guy thought of a business man, or a family man ( or at least to my understanding it very rarely is).  They funny thing is any black guy can be any of the aforementioned people. 
Throughout my adolescence I have been many different black guys. I was the very hip hop, du rag and white tee wearing guy; I was the token black guy hanging out with the white guys just trying to blend in, and now, no longer an adolescent, I am the black businessman.  However, throughout my adolescence, and up to today my Blackness is constantly being defined by those around me.
For those of you who don't know me, I play football and have for most of my life.  Well, as with any sport, the longer you play the more characters you encounter from different places and different backgrounds.  Rich guys, poor guys, crazy guys, loud flamboyant guys etc.  After a while, the black guys you encounter tend to be from very similar backgrounds and are basically similar people (lower middle class, flamboyant, weed smoking, Jordan wearing, slang talking guys).  With that being said, the longer you play the more you are expected to fit into this class of Blackness. You aren't just expected to fit into this class by the other races and cultures you encounter but also by the other black people you encounter and this is where it gets awkward for me.
Since college I have been ridiculed for not fitting the Blackness mold that my black teammates have set for me. I don't smoke weed, I speak proper english, and I don't use slang most of the time.  I have been told by my black teammates that I'm not really black or that I'm the whitest black guy ever.  Both of these statements to me are comical.
There is no such thing as Blackness, there is no such thing as sounding white. The way you sound, the way you dress, the intelligence with which you speak only reflects your upbringing.  There is only urban and suburban, educated and uneducated, southern drawl or none, well spoken or not.  Is it shameful that black people expect other black people to act a certain way? Do white people expect other white people to behave a certain way? What about hispanics?
What people fail to realize is that while the color of your skin has a lot to do with who you are and what you become, it is not the end all be all in defining what you are or what you lifes outcome is.  I find it extremely ironic that civil rights was about looking past the a persons exterior to understand what makes the person who they are inside; and the people who are the beneficiaries of this movement still pre-judge by what they have determined is Blackness.  Laughable

Would You Have Shot Trayvon???

                           
If you were walking around your quiet suburban neighborhood and you saw someone walking up the street who was obviously not white, and wearing a hoody with the hood up, how would you react? No seriously, how would you react?  Most of us would use the "I'm not racist or prejudice" defense immediately but be honest. A minority walking around in clothes like that is much more intimidating than a white person wearing the exact same thing. 
That is because you have been conditioned to believe that black people (in this case) who dress like that have a higher propensity to be dangerous or violent.  Watch cops, watch gangster movies, watch tv, even BET shows black people in that same light.  Its not your fault necessarily, unless you consciously believe so.  But in most of us it is such a conditioned response, it is all that we know.  When you see a lone white male in a park late at night and he looks suspicious you think to yourself "serial killer, or rapist" but a minority/black male and you think "gangster, drug dealer"  and you are unable to contain your fear.  You think that he will steal your purse, mug you and beat you half to death. When in reality I am just walking home. 
Now think of the case of George Zimmerman, a man who himself is half minority, whose neighborhood has been victim of break ins by what happened to be reported as black males.  So he naturally thinks that this young black male is one of those criminals.  Couple this situation with the built up racism and hatred that Zimmerman had come to have from ,at the least the recent break ins, and who knows what else happened in his life.  Would you have felt threatened? Would you have pulled a gun out and pulled the trigger?

I want to make it clear that I am in no way taking up for George Zimmerman, or in anyway defending his actions. I just want to put you in his mind. We often look at these things from the outside and say to ourselves "how could someone do that" and we feel so holy about ourselves.  When in reality, we also may have felt threatened.  Threatened enough to ask him what he was doing?, probably not. And definitely not threatened  enough to pull the trigger on an unarmed teenager.  Just realize the stigma that society and you place on certain groups and people and how these stigma play a role in how people make decisions.  Whether these stigma are correct or not. 

And They Say Curiousity Killed The Cat

                              

The differences between white people and black people are numerous.  Black people can dance, white people usually jump around like crazy people and call it slam dancing.  Black people are really athletic, our white counter parts...not so much.  However, the biggest difference of all; the thing that separates us is the blatant "curiousity" of my caucasian friends.  If you don't believe me I intend to prove to you this theory as 100 percent fact.

Exhibit A: The picture above is two white guys, european albeit, hanging out with white tigers like they are plush beanie babies.  Are you kidding me? Have you ever seen any black person this close to any wild animal? Try me, google black guys and tigers and the only thing you will get is pictures of that playboy Tiger Woods. Yeah, black tiger alright.  Me and mine, wont even get this close to our family dog.  She has teeth, and she has fur...thats a dangerous creature and we keep our distance. 

Exhibit B:  Christopher Columbus.  Need I say more?  Follow my reasoning. Christopher Columbus, a white guy, was so adventurous that he was willing to sail to what was believed to be the edge of the earth.  Not for money, not for fame, but because he was curious to see if the world really was flat.  Not I, said the black person.  The western coast of Africa is riddled with tribes and I'm sure they had the ability to build ships and boats and explore. The issue is we didn't give a damn what was outside of Africa.  We were content enough trying to understand our own world. Not curious enough to go out and try and conquer others. 

Exhibit C: How many black people have you heard of dying because they were cliff diving, skydiving, bungee jumping etc? Too many to damn count, every time you turn to spike tv and watch "The Most Outrageous Videos" there is always some white guys who got slammed into the side of a cliff because his parachute got tangled.  Or some white dude had a warehouse full of fireworks and was smoking meth out there and they all caught fire.  What about us, the black people? While I am not proud to say it the only time you see us on the "The Most Outrageous" is because we tried to rob a liquor store with a nerf gun and got smacked to death by the little asian guy behind the counter. 

Final Exhibit: The Crocodile Hunter.  If you didn't see this one coming then you don't have good foresight.  This crazy caucasian became famous for wrestling crocs and gators (too lazy to spell them both out and too lazy to spell check them).  You would never catch a black person doing this, hell you couldn't even underpay a mexican to do this; and mexicans are the Mikeys of the working world (see old life cereal commercials).  Now can you tell me what the hell THE CROCODILE HUNTER was doing in the ocean with STING RAYS? Those are two birds of different flocks, one may even be a flightless bird and the other in the Artic.  You would never catch Ray Ray the stereo salesman branching out and trying to sell weed on the side.  So why the hell was Steve Irwin in the ocean looking at sting rays. 

Our differences are what us unique, and my white friends are all unique in their own way.  I have had friends of all races, colors, creeds and ethnicities but my white friends are always up for the adventure.  They are willing to drink more alcohol than should be humanly possible, drink alcohol and operate watercraft, do drugs that I have never even heard of, and most notably jump into the ocean with a damn sting ray. And they say curiousity killed the cat...if the cat is a white male then that statement is true.

Tim Wise - The Pathology of White Privilege

Before you watch this video beware that everything you hear you will not like however it is very thought provoking. This video is a solid hour long but it is very well put and will provide a discussion for you and your friends long after you finish watching. Happy Black History Month

Hot New Rap!!!

My brother is the rap eficionado (spell check) and put me on this new rapper out of The Bay. Check It out

President Obama is Coming...Be Very Afraid

                                      
Hey you racist bastards, it seems like President Obamas plan is working.  The economy is turning around, I mean really though always leave it to the black guy to clean the mess up nicely.  According to CNN, the jobless rate has dropped to 8.3 percent. The lowest it has been since he took office. There is an old negro saying that goes "whatever a rich, stupid, spoiled white person leaves in disarray; a handsome, well endowed, basketball playing negro will vastly improve".  Ok, so thats not a real saying but it sure is true. I bet after reading that last part Laura Bush wishes George would have left her in the dust too so she could get a piece of that young stud Obama. 

In all seriousness though, there are only a two reasons why you can dislike our president.  Either you are misinformed or you are racist. Thats it. There is no other reason to dislike him. Every other black person is beloved for the reasons that he is hated.  He's black, good at sports, can dance and sing, and he's inspiring (pretty much Ray Lewis in The White House). Last time I checked people love Chris Brown and I just described him (minus the hitting Rihanna thing).  Continue to spew birth certificate rhetoric and say "he's a socialist", it really just makes you look stupid to your educated friends.  They only reason your Pro intelligence friends continue to keep you around is because they need someone to lick the battery to see if it still works....YOU STUPID RACIST BASTARD!

Here is the CNN article talking about the unemployment rate beginning to plummet.
http://money.cnn.com/2012/02/03/news/economy/jobs_report_unemployment/index.htm?hpt=hp_t1

Are Those Jeans You're Wearing?

                                         
The older I get the less I can take of the blatant disrespect of mine and your occular cavities.  For the dumb  ones among us, occular cavities are where your eyes are.  I have had it up to here with it (hand above my head and i'm 6 feet tall).  Fat people have always been wearing pants that were too tight but it is beyond the fat demographic now.  It has infected us all.  Dontknowhowtowearmypants syndrome is soon to be the leading cause of stabbings in whatever neighborhood I'm in.  These are the people who will most likely be stabbed to death if caught violating in my presence.

Fat Kid, Skinny Jeans: Let me say this first. I have a problem with all males wearing skinny jeans.  The fad was started by emo kids who figured they didn't want their testicles so they would buys girls jeans in an attempt to push them back up into their body.  However, the fat kid in the skinny jeans is a violation of the most extreme offense.  You know your jeans don't fit fat teenager, you look in a mirror everyday to make sure your hair has the right amount of Axe brand putty in it. You sit in front of that same mirror for at least 20 mins before you go to school, why has it not crossed your mind to take those damn pants off and put on some that don't have a baby mooseknuckle in the front.  Get it together. At least do us all a favor and don't eat today so maybe your jeans will fit by the end of the week. 

Skinny Jeans, Big Shoes:I know this is the hipster thing to do. I have a few big pairs of shoes myself but the problem I have isn't with Nike its with the bastard who decided it was ok to have such an awkward contrast.  If your jeans are barely touching your ankles and are as tight as the underwear that you used to wear...then they are TOO DAMN TIGHT.  Anytime you are wearing jeans they are meant to at least have a conversation with your shoes, this way they can complement eachother all day as you take each step. "Damn Nikes, you guys look good today". "Thanks Levis, I like the fitted and faded look you guys have going on".  It should go something like that, not like this..."HEY, HEY YOU. CAN YOU HEAR ME? No answer because your clothes don't fit correctly you idiot.

Skinny Jeans, BACK FAT: This is fairly self explanatory but what fun would it be if I left it at that.  You know when you are walking behind someone and their pants are too tight at the waist, or at least where they wished their waist was and those things that most people call love handles continue to protrude from your jeans.  Those are not love handles, those are waves of hatred. Every time you move it sends a wave through you fat back and a baby dies because of the resulting shockwave.  Get it together. Lose the weight or the jeans but you cant have it both ways. Many infants will later thank you. 

Sagging Skinny Jeans: When I lived in Cali, the Filipinos would get Khakis and cut the bottom of the legs of so they could sag them. They would end up looking like capris or massive shorts but at least they were baggy. The new thing is to get skinny jeans that are way to short and sag the hell out of them. I think this is so the crouch of the pants don't ride up and chaff the choad/gooch/taint/glory road/mudflap or any other name you may call it.  But wouldn't a more simple solution be to GET PANTS THAT FIT.  Instead we are stuck with having to look at your spongebob drawers and your booty is incredibly hungry.  There are 8 year olds in Africa who those pants would fit just fine. Why are you still wearing them?

Skinny jeans are only ok on women. Why do guys want to wear these? I have been a male for 24 years, I have had testicles for all 24 years. Testicles don't like tight confined spaces; trust me. Everytime I wear spandex to workout in or to play football in they can't wait to be let out.  One time I waited too long to let the old boys out and they smacked me when I finally did.  I still hear about it everyday, they are like an elephant because they never forget.  Guys wearing the skinny jeans, trust me, let your testicles breathe your fully functioning children will thank you.  Continue to wear skinny jeans and your children will come out looking like Zach Galifianakis.

I'm Straight Thuggin...Internet Thuggin!!!

                                
I remember being a kid and living in a bad neighborhood with real gangs, real thugs, real drive bys and real drugs. (That was my attempt at rapping. Hope you liked it)  Looking back on it, I should have been terrified especially seeing how every thug/ and wanna be thug in the complex hated my mom cause she didn't take no mess from nobody, (she hasn't changed and takes even less now).  The funny thing though was that I wasnt.  I digress however; what has the world come to when every person with a keyboard can be a thug. 

All it takes is a facebook account, gmail account or whatever it takes to post on youtube.  We have all gotten into a digital argument with a digital tough guy and when it comes down to it they aren't as tough in person as they are when they are miles away.  You don't believe me, go on youtube and post a comment about how you dislike any video. It doesn't matter what it is, you will instantly be accosted by internet tough guys like the one pictured above.  They live their life just to start internet beef, this guy will talk so tough from behind that screen but if you were to see him in real life he would begin to apologize faster than the guy who farts while on a first date.  Social media has created an army of tough guys. I just recently got into a facebook argument with a guy who attempted to insult me.  But when it came down to it, I told him I would come to him so we can settle the problem at hand and guess what happened...no more comments. Well you know what they say..."when the going gets tough, the bitches stop commenting".

Anyway, the best story ever about digital tough guys. I will keep all characters with their real names because I'm sure some of you will know who I am talking about:

My sophomore year at college I was living with some roommates, one of which happened to be my oldest brother Russell.  I come back to the house from class for the afternoon and there was my brother and one of the roommates (Denzel) chilling watching tv talking about something that happened that day.  For the life of me I cannot remember what it was but it was important.  Russ had been texting this dude Carl over some apparent digital beef that had just occurred via text messaging.  If you don't know Denzel, then you don't know that he will instigate things just for his own amusement and this story doesn't bear an exception to this.  Denzel, in the most hilarious way, was instigating this new beef between Carl and Russ to get Russ pumped up to the point to where he wanted to fight Carl. 

Russ texts Carl and says, "you know what, we can solve this now. I'm coming to you." AND LIKE AN IDIOT CARL AGREES.  Denzel knowing the full depth of the situation is as excited as a kid on christmas morning. Russ and Carl have never seen eachother and don't know what eachother look like or anything, but Denzel does and he knows what is to come of this situation.  I assume Carl thought Russ was an average sized guy, damn he couldn't have been more wrong.  Russ is at least 6'4" and at the time he was all of 275.  Those of you who have seen him know how big he is.  Carl is all of 5'9" 180 tops.  This was going to be a blood bath. 

We (Denzel, Russ, Me) pile in Denzels car to take the 2 minute ride over to Carls.  We pull up in the parking lot  in front of Carls apartment, Denzel points out which one it is and Russ gets out the car. He knocks on the door and backs up to allow for room for Carl to gather himself before the beating is to begin.  No peep hole on these apartment doors by the way.

Carl opens the door and steps out and I think he may have had to clench his butt cheeks to keep what was left of his courage inside him.  I have never seen anyone become apologetic so fast in my life.  All of those text messages that he was sending to Russ he wished he could have back, he began to apologize in the most funny way possible.  It went something like this " nah man, I didn't even say that. What had happened was...I aint even trying to fight" Russ flinches at Carl and he almost ran back into his apartment and locked the door. 

When Denzel and I had had enough laughs to last us the entire week Russ got back in the car and we went back home laughing the entire way.  The moral of the story is don't talk trash to the wrong person. They may be more than what you bargained for. They may find out where you live and hunt you out and stomp you out just because to them it isn't just the internet. It doesn't just go away when they log out. Its real.

The Problem with America

                            
Before I begin, anyone who knows me knows that I am a liberal.  Anyone, who knows me also knows that I am black. With those things being said I clearly have a sense of allegiance to President Obama. However, my allegiance to the Democratic Party and the president does not bar me from being able to listen to opposing opinions.  I frequently listen to conservative radio: Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh (as much as I don't like them), and I also watch Fox News and that damn Bill O'Reilly.

Do I agree with them? Hell to the nizzaww. But does that make me right and them wrong? Usually yes, just kidding, but just because we disagree doesn't make one right or one wrong.  I think one thing that we all forget is that a discourse/discussion/debate between two opposing sides is a good thing.  Not only is it good but it is great.  There was a time when there was no discourse; when women and blacks couldn't vote. When a womans place was in the kitchen only and only land owning white men had opinions that mattered.  But now that everyone is equal in theory we forget to have a discourse. We forget to have a civilized debate, something that we all want, but something that we refuse to exercise. 

We tend to forget the way that we got to where we all are today was that we were taught things. We took our preconceived notions and were proven wrong.  WE ALL use to believe in Santa Claus and we all had the debate on the school playground as to why Santa was real. Only to be proven wrong.  Don't go into every situation in life believing that you know it all, and you know the right way to solve every problem because you will quickly be the laughing stock in every situation.

If you are a conservative, for every hour you spend reaffirming your own beliefs, spend 10 minutes watching MSNBC.  If you are a liberal, for every hour you spend reaffirming your own beliefs, spend 10 minutes watching Fox News.  Take a minute to empty your cup and allow water from a different faucet to be poured in. A cup can always be emptied but if you miss out on some water coming down the stream the opportunity may not be there later on as the stream may dry out. 

Be able to have a debate with your friends who don't agree with every opinion you have and hear what they say. Don't just listen. We will all be better for it. 

Crazy White People-Epic Meal Time

If you haven't heard of Epic Meal Time you are missing out. Its a group canadian white guys who must have a lot of extra money and rich parents eating massive amounts of whatever it is they wish to eat. Check it out.

Whats The Deal With Gas???

                              
What the F*ck is the deal with gas prices? This shit has gotten way out of hand.  Now I understand that gas prices are actually starting to come down a little bit (All praises be to Allah and Obama) but its still too damn high.  What happened to the days of 99 cents for a gallon of gas? Today I was driving down the road and saw gas listed for $2.85 and I literally almost broke my damn neck staring at it.  I was in a daze, I didn't know if i was dreaming or if I should keep driving, or if I should get over super fast to fill up even though I had 3/4 of a full tank of gas.  The guys can relate to this feeling. You know when you see a girl so fine that you can't turn away.  Like your lips don't work, you cant blink for fear that you'll miss something and you don't realize that you are staring so hard until she catches you. And then you try and play it off like you had something in your eye or like you were staring just past her.  We'll thats how I felt about that particular gas price.  If I could have mustered up the courage I would have asked the owner of the gas station to take a polaroid with me and have them sign it.

This shit has got to stop. I've had enough.  I'm going to call my good buddy Muhammad over in Afghanistan and have him give me the hook up on a tanker.  I mean, he only makes like 45 cents a day milking camels in the hot sun, so he has got to be waiting on me to call him. I'm going to have him get some oil in the tanker and ship it to me. Once I get it, I'm going to refine it. (All of you thinking to yourselves "he doesn't know how to refine oil"...yes I do. I already have a ghetto rigged mini refinery in the basement but don't tell noooooobody *pops from friday voice*).  Even after this long process, the total cost to me would only come out to about 2.25 a gallon. BAM

What President Obama Wants to Say

This is hilarious!!! Thats All

Me and my grandma dancing to Rack City.

I saw this video yesterday morning when it had 300 views and didn't have time to post it. Here is a hilarious video of this dude and his grandma dancing to Tygas Rack City. While this video is hilarious it is definitely a white person only thing. A black grandma would never agree to dance to a song on the internet that constantly says bitch. You crazy white people haha Enjoy

Guilt Trip City

Have you ever...actually I know all of you have so the question is irrelevant.  How about when you are on Facebook, or sitting at home minding your own damn business and you see it.  The call to action because someone wants to spread the word or is begging for a pity party.  They usually look something like this:

Everybody who reads this, If you care for me or if you love me you will like/repost/forward this on to ten friends.

Or

If you love god you will see this picture and share it on your page.  If you love the devil and hate god you will ignore this.  God wont be mad at you but he won't forget about this when judgement comes.  You won't get into heaven because you didn't spread this message. 

The second one is the worst because not only do you feel obligated but you really begin to think to yourself "will God really remember this? I really want to get in to Heaven. I should share this picture just to be safe"  Its just so laughable to me.  If you have ever done this, please don't do it again.  We usually just laugh at you and skip over it, however I may just be speaking for myself...but I doubt it. 

Homeless Entrepreneurs

                          
Ladies and gentlemen, this country is facing an epidemic. A homeless epidemic!!! The homeless in this country are becoming less and less homeless by the day. This at first sounds great.  Who doesn't want less homeless? Its what we all dreamed of right?  Well you didn't read that very well. The homeless people we see on the corners, by our highways, at our major intersections, next to the McDonalds drive thru aren't really homeless.  How do I know you ask?  Because I am a student of the Homeless Sciences; yes its a real science.  I minored in Homeless Sciences at The Fort Hays State University.

The homeless people that we are seeing next to our highways are not really homeless but rather they are homeless as a career choice.  And who can blame them, these guys are making a killing.  Think about that overwhelming feeling that comes over you when you pull up to the light and there you see it.  That damn cardboard sign written in that expensive Sharpie permanent marker.  I couldn't even afford to buy Sharpies in college with the governments money but somehow these "homeless" sons a bitches can.  However, I digress, when you see that damn sign you get filled with so much guilt you can't even look over at the person holding the sign without feeling like you owe them a dollar.  Everytime I see one of these people I feel as if the only reason they are homeless is because they loaned me their last dollar, knowing very well they had to pay their $1 dollar rent the very next day; and me thinking that "it's just a dollar" didn't pay it back in time thus getting them evicted.  Thats the obligation I feel when we make eye contact. 

At least thats how I used to feel about the homeless person standing on the side of the road. I felt that obligation until I finished my minor in Homeless Sciences.  Thats when I completely figured it for the first time.  LOOK AT THE SHOES!!!  The shoes of a "homeless" person will tell you everything you need to know about their current sitation.  Real homeless people have the most busted up shoes possible. Envision Tom Hanks in Cast Away, or the pair of shoes that you would wear if you knew you were going to step in human feces all day long.  Their shoes are that bad. 

When I had my first experience in the field, I was getting off the highway and I realized that the same two or three people work this exit and they are there everyday.  I began to search my head for answers then I looked down to avoid the gazing eyes behind the cardboard sign and I saw it. Her shoes were cleaner than mine.  They weren't no Kmart specials either.  Then the next day another guy had on some Jordans, they weren't super clean but nonetheless they were Jordans.  The most egregious of them all happened just recently.  On two separate occasions I have seen "homeless" people with some damn SKETCHERS SHAPE UPS on.  I almost pulled over and beat both of them down for insulting my intelligence.  These two, Dudes i might add, had the audacity to take the money they had been collecting to buy shoes to make their feet feel better while scaming people, as well as get a nice leg workout at the same time.  I was absolutely speechless, so speechless the only words I could muster up were "this motherf*cka right here". 

Take my advice, look at the shoes. You can't be fooled by the shoes!