Your NFL Playoff Picture Game 1

                           
First Off, let us reflect upon where we were at this time last year.  We were on the verge of watching Timothy Dick Tebow play his first playoff game after backing in.  Somehow in that game the Broncos managed to win and I was at that moment convinced that there was a God and this Dick Tebow guy had managed to become best friends with him.  I was willing and ready to hand my life over to the Mormon church and worship with them, and then in a weird twist of fate God showed me that I shouldn't believe everything this Tebow guy was preaching and let the Patriots break his ribs and thoroughly abuse him. 

I was reinvigorated, much like the neck of Peyton Manning which is to thank for killing the career of this Tebow character.  Now in this new NFL playoff picture there is only one relevant Christian and he plays for the Minnesota Vikings.  Anyway, lets breakdown these playoff match ups in a much more interesting way than they do on ESPN. 

Cincinnati Bengals at Houston Texans

QB: Matt Schaub has a rapidly receding hairline Andy Dalton has a head that is the same color as a lit match.  I will have to give the edge here to Andy Dalton.  Even though redheads are only cool in fantasies and pastries (Little Debbies), no one likes an old balding guy unless he's funny. 

WR: Both teams have dominant tall black guys.  The Bengals have AJ Green who is about as physically gifted as they come.  He can jump and contort his body in all kinds of ways and make some pretty incredible ways.  The Texans have Andre Johnson who is also a physical freak and looks like the product of genetic altering and slave breeding combined.  Even though AJ is only one letter away from being the greatest person alive I will have to give Andre the upper hand in this category for fear that if he found out I didn't he would give me one of those Cortland Finnegan beat downs

Defense: I have seen the effect JJ Watt can have on a game and while I fully understand that, there are many other things to consider.  First off, the Texans defensive coordinator is Wade Phillips, son of Bum Phillips.  With that being said we all know how I feel about BUMS.   Also, if you haven't seen Wade Phillips, he looks like the byproduct of a Newt Gingrich and Roseanne Barr love child.  The most important factor however is the fact that Cincinnati has more Samoans.  I don't know if you have ever seen a Samoan in real life but they are the most intimidating people on the earth next to Black people, Asians in all black, and deranged looking white guys (they blow things up).  Advantage goes to Cincinnati.

Overall: With the distraction of Andy Daltons fiery red hair, and the Samoans making everyone poo their pants on the Texans offense, the Bengals will win this game with a fair amount of ease.  That is unless Andre goes Rick James on someone again.  Then who knows what will happen.