Well, its been a while since I've sat down and talked to myself in type form. Because in reality that's what this is; I'm talking to myself but I put it out here for you guys to read for some dumb reason. I wish I would've kept up with this outlet however, because I feel like its a great way to get some really bad ideas out of my head and into the world.
Well on to why I opened this laptop in the first place.
I've always had this agonizing fear of average. Well maybe I shouldn't say always. In high school I was below average when it came to grades and how I handled myself. Doing just enough to get by because I thought all that mattered was having the ability to get on sports teams and skate by just barely. Barely trying, barely turning in homework, barely finishing homework. Now that I look back on it I can actually reflect and say that this was my teenage self rebelling against the norm of being average. The only thing that changed my mind on my behavior was talking to a counselor and assessing my grades and my chances of getting into a college, once I realized that I wanted to chase my dream of professional sports, and being told that I almost assuredly couldn't get into any school being the ass I was in the classroom. I also realized that there was nothing more average than graduating from high school, and I damn sure didn't want to be just average in that sense.
As I've gotten older my decision making has seemed to make more sense than it did in high school, and I don't 'purposefully fail ( or barely get by) because "average people get by". I feel like ever since I graduated from college that I have been actively running away from average. Not that I've created any more space from average but I'm running and trying harder and harder each day. I feel like most days, I tell myself I'm tired of average and actively put my running shoes on and run the marathon away from average. Am I getting away from average?...I have no idea. I'm trying to. I'm hoping that by putting on my running shoes everyday and running that I get a second ahead here or there.
Some days I know average catches up with me and taps me on the shoulder with a smile and says "welcome back". Those days, while horrible, are real and motivating. Those days when I realize that I live in an average house, working for an average salary, living the average 9-5 lifestyle, and going to bed every night to wake up to the average American lifestyle again the next day. That pit in the bottom of my stomach when I typed that...that is what I'm running from. I get up most days running, sprinting at times, from that damned feeling. Running from the idea that I'll live an average life and I should be happy with that. I'm not okay with that. I fear average, and at this point in my life I'm beginning to fear above average as well.
Above average can be just as paralyzing as average. I am a living example of that. When I started becoming okay with above average in college football, that's all I was. Above average. I was good but when my coach left, who wasn't okay with average, who demanded perfection, who would ride your ass to make sure you were reaching as hard as he was for it, I sank back into above average. My play, desire and work ethic showed above average. I feel like at that point in my life I was okay with being just above the fray. Just above most everybody. However, what I didn't realize at that point in my life was that if you are just above average, than there are lot of other people who will happily sit on your shoulders to be even that little bit better than you. A better athlete, a better person, a better coach, a better father, etc.
I think at this point in my life I am finally beginning to get it. I'm beginning to really understand what it means to put the time in. To really strive for excellence. Am I getting there...Hell no. Not yet. I'm just beginning to understand what it means to put the extra work in. But now, everyday I put on those damn running shoes, look over my shoulder at average, and run as hard as I can. I run hard mentally and physically. Trying to think like a person living far ahead of the rest. Trying to do more than just get by, and in the mean time trying to help others run the race as well.
I often ask myself, "am I running this race for legacy's sake?. Just so people will remember this person I was?" Maybe before, not anymore. This race is for me to know that I'm living the life I want to live. I'm certainly not there, or anywhere close....but I'm running the race.
Are YOU?
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