Help! I'm Being Domesticated

As many of you may know, I've had a whirlwind 4 months. Becoming a dad, and then almost simultaneously purchasing a home. What many of you don't know, is that I'm slowly falling victim to a crime that happens all over this great nation everyday, but continues to go unprosecuted. The crime I speak of takes hundreds and thousands of men's self image daily. The crime: American Male Domestication. 

"What does the crime include"? Well, I'm glad you asked. When a red blooded American male is out of captivity and free to roam, he parties, he watches football endlessly. He takes naps recklessly and sticks his hands in his pants without worry of who may be watching. However, in the process of American Male Domestication there are many symptoms that indicate you are being domesticated.  

SYMPTOMS

1) If you find yourself ordering coffee from Starbucks and your coffee includes more than zero machiattos or lattes. 

2)If you know what drink your female counterpart wants from said Starbucks and you can recite it forward, backwards, and say it in Italian, French or whatever the hell language that damn menu is in with no problem. 

3) If you aren't working, aren't dressing up for some special occasion, or aren't playing golf, what in the Sam hell is your shirt doing tucked in your pants. 

3B) If you're tucking your tshirt in your jeans, and wearing some ridiculous New Balance shoes that don't match your outfit and you never go running. Don't even attempt to turn around and go the opposite direction. You are in too deep, it's too late for you. All you can do is preach the good word to the up and coming males and warn of this epidemic. 

4) If your Christmas list includes: Peace and quiet, tools, and a Starbucks Card, exactly in that order. (This is my particular affliction)

5) If you clothes shop at WalMart. I don't mean socks and underwear. I mean jeans, shoes, the whole nine yards. You've clearly given up on man hood and trying to appear attractive to the opposite sex and now your female counterpart just deals with you because she's stuck with you. 

-there is one exception to this rule: The Nascar WalMarter. This man shops at Walmart because everything manly for him is found here. Nothing more manly than an Intimidator tshirt and some wranglers. 

If you find you are experiencing any of these symptoms, resist immediately and proceed with any one of these solutions. 

Solutions: Grow a manly mustache, walk around with bear chest and fist fight like you live in the 1920's. 

Go on a weekend drinking binge like you were in college again, or if you have to, as a last resort, wear a pair of jorts(jean shorts) with a cut off tee shirt and drink beer and curse nonstop. 

Guys, I'm here to warn you. I'm beginning to fall victim I this crime.  I've tried the police but they don't seem to care. I need Johnny Cochran to help but he's long gone. Use this blog as a warning to all men to come. Don't fall into this trap. Keep being reckless, keep your hand in your pants, and for gods sake, don't go to bed before 10pm unless your work crazy hours.