Divisional Playoff Picture

                                                
First off, I want to apologize for not finishing last weeks blog post, but in the tradition of being a true procrastinator I never got around to it the way I intended to.  Psych, I'm not apologizing to you girls.  I do this for free for your enjoyment. You should be apologizing to me for allowing me to waste my time on entertaining you guys.  Anywho, this good looking slim thing above is Tom Bradys wife Giselle.  I figured the best way to get some of you degenerates attention was to put a scantily clad woman as the picture.

So, what did we learn last week?  We learned that Ray Lewis is very intense and emotional.  I would compare Ray Lewis' intensity to that of me when I learn that it isn't just a fart, but instead is a present for the porcelain god.  Really though, are you ever more intense than when looking for a toilet in that moment? It happens to the best of us.  We also learned that having a robot like name doesn't ensure you are built like a robot.  It actually ensures that you are not a robot.  RGIII fell apart in front of our faces.  I think the III at the end of his name will end up being the amount of knee surgeries he will need in his football career (Vegas is taking prop bets on this).  Another thing we learned is that while men may love redheaded women...(you know who you are), football teams do not like being led by a firecrotch.  Lastly, we learned that the Joe Webb is the pride of UAB...but thats all he'll ever be. Now on to this weeks games.

This week there will be an unprecendented event happening that is sure to go unnoticed if it weren't for geniuses like myself.  This week in the playoffs, people like Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Matt Schaub and Matt Ryan will be performing on a national stage.  For the first time in NFL history, four of the quarterbacks playing in the divisional playoffs will have MORE FOREHEAD THAN EVERYONE IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA COMBINED. 

This has got to be the most overlooked indicator for success in football.  If you have a white son, who plays quarterback, who has a big ass forehead...the kid is tapped for success.  Just make him stick to it.  You have got to be kidding me.  These are some giant foreheads.  I am pretty sure Megamind has been spreading his seed throughout the USA.  Now on to this weeks individual matchups

Ravens VS Broncos
The first game of the divisional weekend  that is going to be a dud in my opinion.  "Hey diddle diddle, Ray Rice up the middle" wont be of much use this weekend  because I was told by a very reliable source (Peyton Manning used his giant foreheads ability to look into the future) that they are going to go up by 14 or 17 points in the first half and unleash that big nerd (Von Miller) they have as an outside linebacker on Joe Flacco.  Von Miller will have at least two sacks during this game using as tackling fuel all the names Ray Rice use to call him in 4th grade; (among them are four eyes and baby teeth).  Broncos will coast to a win unless Ray Lewis uses his inner inmate to stab, I mean knock, Peyton Manning out of the game. 

Packers VS 49ers
As I am a Niners fan I am unallowed to pick against my team.  However, I do believe the discount double check may work out as Aaron Rodgers will need State Farm to double check for life insurance as the Niners defense shows him what San Francisco is all about. (Besides open extreme gay love, and hippies) Gangs and Defense, Thats what California does.  On offense however I will warn of the ability of Colin Kaepernick. Not his arms, or his legs...but his nose.  Dude has a nose on him.  This nose will allow him to smell what the defense is doing, along with what they had for dinner the night before and who was taking part in San Franciscos Red Light District...UGH.

Seahawks VS Falcons
This will be great game.  Intensity on both defensive squads and big hits to boot.  Matt Ryan has never won a playoff  game and it won't start this year.  What will go wrong is a combination of things starting from Atlantas high population of down low men (gay men posing as straight men).  Many of these guys are on the Falcons squad but the only obvious one is Asante Samuels.  I don't have any proof of this, but his name just sounds like a great gay guys name.  Asante and many other players will be out the night before the game gaying it up (singing Beyonce songs and dance battling in high heels) causing them to be exhausted for the big game.  The biggest factor in the game will be Russell Wilson.  This guy has been a problem for defenses all year.  Not because of his running ability or his passing ability.  It is because of his ETHNICITY!!!  What is he?  No one knows.  This is what haunts defenses. They try to read his eyes in zone defense and they just get lost in thought "He's looking at the slot receiver...wait, I wonder... is he black? But he looks like he could be Indian. No, not Native American Indian but red dot Indian. Shit, he just threw the ball"  TOUCHDOWN.  The defenses lack of understanding of what Russell Wilson is will continue to cause confusion and the Seahawks will win by about 5. 

Texans VS Patriots
This being the only game that has two of the big forehead QB's going head to head (HA, see what I did there. I don't get enough credit).  The best head will prevail.  Let us look at these noggins worthy of bloggin (Damn I'm good).  Both foreheads have attractive wives and thus tie in that department. Tom Brady has had a better career, even though both QB's got their start as backups to decent QB's.  Tom Brady earned his spot while Matt Schaub was simply given his. Endorsement deals...Matt Schaub, if he doesn't have an endorsement for hair club for men then he should.  Tom Brady reps for Uggs and Stetson.  I hate Uggs and Stetson smells like the bedroom when you walk in on your parents doing the nasty.  Most importantly, both of these foreheads have cavemen for targets (Andre Johnson and Gronk).  Since Gronk is the only one of these two who can go out after losing the Super Bowl and party like a kid who went solo to prom and drank to much by himself, and get away with it,  The Patriots get the nod.  It will be a decisive victory. 

BAD BREATH...
SEE CREST??? OUT!!!

Your NFL Playoff Picture Game 1

                           
First Off, let us reflect upon where we were at this time last year.  We were on the verge of watching Timothy Dick Tebow play his first playoff game after backing in.  Somehow in that game the Broncos managed to win and I was at that moment convinced that there was a God and this Dick Tebow guy had managed to become best friends with him.  I was willing and ready to hand my life over to the Mormon church and worship with them, and then in a weird twist of fate God showed me that I shouldn't believe everything this Tebow guy was preaching and let the Patriots break his ribs and thoroughly abuse him. 

I was reinvigorated, much like the neck of Peyton Manning which is to thank for killing the career of this Tebow character.  Now in this new NFL playoff picture there is only one relevant Christian and he plays for the Minnesota Vikings.  Anyway, lets breakdown these playoff match ups in a much more interesting way than they do on ESPN. 

Cincinnati Bengals at Houston Texans

QB: Matt Schaub has a rapidly receding hairline Andy Dalton has a head that is the same color as a lit match.  I will have to give the edge here to Andy Dalton.  Even though redheads are only cool in fantasies and pastries (Little Debbies), no one likes an old balding guy unless he's funny. 

WR: Both teams have dominant tall black guys.  The Bengals have AJ Green who is about as physically gifted as they come.  He can jump and contort his body in all kinds of ways and make some pretty incredible ways.  The Texans have Andre Johnson who is also a physical freak and looks like the product of genetic altering and slave breeding combined.  Even though AJ is only one letter away from being the greatest person alive I will have to give Andre the upper hand in this category for fear that if he found out I didn't he would give me one of those Cortland Finnegan beat downs

Defense: I have seen the effect JJ Watt can have on a game and while I fully understand that, there are many other things to consider.  First off, the Texans defensive coordinator is Wade Phillips, son of Bum Phillips.  With that being said we all know how I feel about BUMS.   Also, if you haven't seen Wade Phillips, he looks like the byproduct of a Newt Gingrich and Roseanne Barr love child.  The most important factor however is the fact that Cincinnati has more Samoans.  I don't know if you have ever seen a Samoan in real life but they are the most intimidating people on the earth next to Black people, Asians in all black, and deranged looking white guys (they blow things up).  Advantage goes to Cincinnati.

Overall: With the distraction of Andy Daltons fiery red hair, and the Samoans making everyone poo their pants on the Texans offense, the Bengals will win this game with a fair amount of ease.  That is unless Andre goes Rick James on someone again.  Then who knows what will happen. 

"Your Honor...She Wasn't With Me Shooting in the Gym"

                             

This is something I've been ranting about for a very long time and I figured I should bring it to the people. 
Divorce!!! We all have in some way, shape, or form been affected by a divorce.  However, no one is affected the way a professional mans wallet is.  It is absolutely ridiculous the way we penalize a man for being successful and having a woman by his side during that time.
First example: Eldrick "Tiger" Woods. 
This man had it all.  He was the greatest golfer of all time and was reaching a whole new level of stardom...and then it happened.  It happens to every great man; they think they are invincible.  He was sleeping his way around the world, trying to create world peace.  His wife didn't like it though.  So instead of trying to figure out where she went wrong in all of this, because there was clearly something she wasn't doing (tongue planted firmly in cheek) she decided to divorce him.  Okay, now I totally understand that she felt betrayed and was publicly humiliated but how much is that worth? Maybe five or six million dollars tops right? Nope, apparently her job as a wife was worth $750 million!!! Are you kidding me?
You mean to tell me, that Elin Nordegren was so valuable to Tiger Woods career that she would have earned $750 million dollars in that time? Get the HELL out of here.
Second Example
Kobe "Black Mamba" Bryant
I'm pretty sure everyone knows about this situation. Kobe Bryant had extramarital sex with some trashy lady in Eagle county, Colorado while there to get knee surgery. To the unintelligent who are reading my blog, extramarital does not mean extra sex with his wife. It means he was cheating. While he was accused of rape, and openly admitted to cheating on his wife she stuck by his side like conjoined twin myslexia (where's my South Park fans).
On a side note what was the girl doing to have so many Semens in her underwear? The only logical excuse for this is that she is a competitive sex addict and she was competing that day.

Anyway, Kobe Bryant's wife, Vanessa Bryant fought through all that publicity and public humiliation while Kobe was fighting the case and still balling like a Hall of Famer. Then out of nowhere they were suddenly separated and ready to get divorced.
It was reported that she was going to get upwards of 150 Million dollars!!! At least according to my sources... Drake.
Was her public humiliation worth 150 Million? Absolutely not. Once again her humiliation was probably worth a few millions dollars and maybe a few Coach bags, but 150 Million?
I have lots of memories of Kobe Bryant on the court while winning his multiple championships. The alley oop to Shaq, him hugging the trophy with the nasty uncombed afro and multiple clutch shots on the way to those titles. None of these memories incorporated Vanessa Bryant. You know why that is? Because she never dunked on anyone in her life. She never hit the game winning jumper, never even hit a clutch lay up, and the only oop she's throwing has nothing to do with basketball(if you know what I mean)

All in all, don't get married if you have that much to lose people. You would think professional athletes would learn by now because clearly they aren't the first people to get married and divorced in the history of their sport and they certainly won't be the last. I can't blame the women in these cases however. Because you better believe if I had the chance to marry and divorce Oprah sans Pre-nup I'd be all over it.  

Come on ladies

                          

Ladies please listen up when I say to you that THIS IS COMPLETELY UNFAIR!  Do you have any idea what it is like to be a man and we have to walk around and see you in this.  This has got to stop!!! Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love leggings in women; therein lies the problem.  Every man loves women in leggings and it is impossible for us to go about our daily life without seeing a fit women in leggings, not to mention women who don't belong in leggings (another blog another day).

Here is the problem I have with this; we, as men, are obligated to stare at you when you walk by us in this. Men are wired to not only look at you when you walk by us, but lose all train of thought and drop our jaws.  I remember when I was younger and I didn't understand what the older guys were doing, and how they couldn't look away, but now I completely understand.  I mean even Albert Einstein would look at this if he were still alive.  You could have two philosophers discussing the human condition and lose all train of thought when they see this. 

Just stop doing this ladies, and if you aren't going to stop then don't get mad when we cant look you in the face anymore because of the awful shame we feel for staring at your assets.  Just imagine if we all walked around in white leggings and you could see all that we can see, it would be impossible for you to conduct yourself correctly around us. It would probably be because you guys would be wanting to laugh at us or throw up however. 

Bumper Stickers

                               
I had a long drawn out introduction but lets skip it because we've already been acqainted and get right to the point.  I HATE BUMPER STICKERS! And here is the list of the ones I hate and why.

1) Political Bumper stickers:  What better way to make your car a target for keying than having a Tea Party sticker on it while parked in an urban neighborhood.  I especially hate this if the car you drive is counter to the beliefs of that particular party (ex: having a republican sticker on you busted up 1992 Toyota)

1A) If you have a NObama sticker, It reads to me "Racist inside, don't make eye contact" Just kidding, but seriously

2)Honor Roll Student: We are all proud of your honor roll student, and by we I mean just you.  The funny part about these stickers is they don't make your student feel important.  It doesn't even say the name of the  person who earned it. 

2A) Your pet is not smarter than anyones child.  That sticker is the reason you are 45 and lonely.  Get some friends and stop buying bumper stickers about your pet Cat Lady.

3) Free Tibet:  From the sticker we can come to a few conclusions.  A) Tibet isn't free and we need to free it but you didn't tell me how and 5 seconds later we no longer care. B) Tibet is free, where can I get my share. I don't know how it taste but Free Tibet sounds delicious

4)Subaru Driver, Bumper Sticker: You are a hippy and nobody cares what you have to say.  Go away and take a shower.

5) "I'd Rather Be Fishing":  Would you really rather be fishing than being stuck in traffic? You are the only person who would rather be somewhere else older male.  You wouldn't rather be in Vegas, or in LA on the beach? You my friend are stupid and I hope you never get to go fishing again.

6)The Jesus Fish: "Everytime I think of Jesus all I can think about is fish".  I have one word for the rich idiot who thought of this bumper sticker...WOW

7) The Darwin Sticker:  You, evolution believer were so threatend by the Jesus fish that you had to copy it and add feet.  Bravo you passive aggressive sissy; you are clearly one upping the religious zealots now.  You my friend are not only a thief but gutless. 

Rule of thumb: Unless your bumper sticker is so funny that you must share, then keep it to yourself.  Before you put it on your car ask yourself this "Will this enhance almost everybodies day?".  If the answer is no, then you should say no.  Lastly, say no to mini vans!!!!

Always A Fire | Chad Jones Documentary

Great story about a sure thing that gets ripped from you in an instant. 

I Hate Your Facebook Posts

                              

I remember when I first got a facebook account back in Freshman year of college.  It was such a nice tool back then.  That was when only college students could get it and before the term "Facebook Stalking" was invented.  It was a way for college kids to stay connected aka a way for guys to hunt down girls in college (as if the traditional way wasn't working good enough), but then the evolution began.  They soon opened it  to all kinds of people: High School kids, Parents, businesses etc; and slowly but surely it lost its allure.  You're photo albums of you passed out wasted with penises drawn all over your face, because you have awesome friends, no longer was a source of hilarity but rather a tool to be used against you in job interviews.  Your plans for the night posted on your status suddenly became an invitation for the crazy guy to show up and awkwardly stare at you ( you know who you are guy, and you girls all have that facebook friend).  However, all of this isn't what made Facebook into a shell of what it use to be...YOU DID!!!

You ruined Facebook for everybody with your silly posts that aren't relevant to anyone on your friends list.  You don't believe me...here is the list of annoying things that people do on Facebook. Tell me you don't agree.

1) Repeatedly Posting pictures of your child:  We were all happy for you being pregnant and expecting your first child (We doesn't include your disappointed parents, your best friend or the babys father but you get the idea). But then, it took a turn for the worst.  It got annoying when you started posting pictures of your pregnant stomach all over THE BOOK every two weeks. We get it, you're getting huge. That's really important because you are the first girl to ever get a huge stomach when shes pregnant.  Amazing. Just when we didn't think it could get any worse, you actually had the child and every breathing moment became a photo that you just had to share with all of us.  Let me be very clear here: WE DON'T HATE YOU OR YOUR CHILD BUT DAMN. WE DON'T NEED TO SEE ALL OF IT. 

2)Posting Pictures of your food:  THE BOOK is not a cooking website.  We don't give a damn what you made or what you ordered at a restaurant unless it is of epic proportions.  Get that off my timeline.  Posting pictures of your food could only mean two things: you're fat, or you will be fat very soon.  (Literally just laughed loudly to myself) 

3) The Religious Guilt:  I am not taking a stance on religion here because religions themselves don't annoy me...but what does is your "Like this if you love God. If you don't, keep scrolling.  Only you and God will know".  This is the most ridiculous garbage.  I'm sure liking this picture or status will keep God off my back for 24 hours, I don't know how people ever got along with God before THE BOOK came along.  I'm plenty sure that God is more concerned with the fornication that you were involved in on Saturday night and liking this picture/or status wont get you out of the buddy. 

4) THIS:
I admit these kind of little gems were hilarious when people first started doing them. Now they are just annoying as hell.  Any ten year old with a computer could do this, why is yours so important.  I hate your guts. 

5) Your Shameless Publicity:  You are pushing a product and we have to hear about it every 5 seconds.  Cool right? NO. No one understands more than I do that having people aware of your product is the best way to sell, but as a salesman I also understand that bombardment is a horrible sales strategy.  Inform me, humor me, show me why I should be interested or want to buy. Get that mess off my timeline. 

If you are guilty of these atrocities, don't feel bad, don't get mad. Just stop doing it, and you'll be amazed at how quickly people will start liking your statuses again.  Bums