"Your Honor...She Wasn't With Me Shooting in the Gym"

                             

This is something I've been ranting about for a very long time and I figured I should bring it to the people. 
Divorce!!! We all have in some way, shape, or form been affected by a divorce.  However, no one is affected the way a professional mans wallet is.  It is absolutely ridiculous the way we penalize a man for being successful and having a woman by his side during that time.
First example: Eldrick "Tiger" Woods. 
This man had it all.  He was the greatest golfer of all time and was reaching a whole new level of stardom...and then it happened.  It happens to every great man; they think they are invincible.  He was sleeping his way around the world, trying to create world peace.  His wife didn't like it though.  So instead of trying to figure out where she went wrong in all of this, because there was clearly something she wasn't doing (tongue planted firmly in cheek) she decided to divorce him.  Okay, now I totally understand that she felt betrayed and was publicly humiliated but how much is that worth? Maybe five or six million dollars tops right? Nope, apparently her job as a wife was worth $750 million!!! Are you kidding me?
You mean to tell me, that Elin Nordegren was so valuable to Tiger Woods career that she would have earned $750 million dollars in that time? Get the HELL out of here.
Second Example
Kobe "Black Mamba" Bryant
I'm pretty sure everyone knows about this situation. Kobe Bryant had extramarital sex with some trashy lady in Eagle county, Colorado while there to get knee surgery. To the unintelligent who are reading my blog, extramarital does not mean extra sex with his wife. It means he was cheating. While he was accused of rape, and openly admitted to cheating on his wife she stuck by his side like conjoined twin myslexia (where's my South Park fans).
On a side note what was the girl doing to have so many Semens in her underwear? The only logical excuse for this is that she is a competitive sex addict and she was competing that day.

Anyway, Kobe Bryant's wife, Vanessa Bryant fought through all that publicity and public humiliation while Kobe was fighting the case and still balling like a Hall of Famer. Then out of nowhere they were suddenly separated and ready to get divorced.
It was reported that she was going to get upwards of 150 Million dollars!!! At least according to my sources... Drake.
Was her public humiliation worth 150 Million? Absolutely not. Once again her humiliation was probably worth a few millions dollars and maybe a few Coach bags, but 150 Million?
I have lots of memories of Kobe Bryant on the court while winning his multiple championships. The alley oop to Shaq, him hugging the trophy with the nasty uncombed afro and multiple clutch shots on the way to those titles. None of these memories incorporated Vanessa Bryant. You know why that is? Because she never dunked on anyone in her life. She never hit the game winning jumper, never even hit a clutch lay up, and the only oop she's throwing has nothing to do with basketball(if you know what I mean)

All in all, don't get married if you have that much to lose people. You would think professional athletes would learn by now because clearly they aren't the first people to get married and divorced in the history of their sport and they certainly won't be the last. I can't blame the women in these cases however. Because you better believe if I had the chance to marry and divorce Oprah sans Pre-nup I'd be all over it.  

Come on ladies

                          

Ladies please listen up when I say to you that THIS IS COMPLETELY UNFAIR!  Do you have any idea what it is like to be a man and we have to walk around and see you in this.  This has got to stop!!! Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love leggings in women; therein lies the problem.  Every man loves women in leggings and it is impossible for us to go about our daily life without seeing a fit women in leggings, not to mention women who don't belong in leggings (another blog another day).

Here is the problem I have with this; we, as men, are obligated to stare at you when you walk by us in this. Men are wired to not only look at you when you walk by us, but lose all train of thought and drop our jaws.  I remember when I was younger and I didn't understand what the older guys were doing, and how they couldn't look away, but now I completely understand.  I mean even Albert Einstein would look at this if he were still alive.  You could have two philosophers discussing the human condition and lose all train of thought when they see this. 

Just stop doing this ladies, and if you aren't going to stop then don't get mad when we cant look you in the face anymore because of the awful shame we feel for staring at your assets.  Just imagine if we all walked around in white leggings and you could see all that we can see, it would be impossible for you to conduct yourself correctly around us. It would probably be because you guys would be wanting to laugh at us or throw up however. 

Bumper Stickers

                               
I had a long drawn out introduction but lets skip it because we've already been acqainted and get right to the point.  I HATE BUMPER STICKERS! And here is the list of the ones I hate and why.

1) Political Bumper stickers:  What better way to make your car a target for keying than having a Tea Party sticker on it while parked in an urban neighborhood.  I especially hate this if the car you drive is counter to the beliefs of that particular party (ex: having a republican sticker on you busted up 1992 Toyota)

1A) If you have a NObama sticker, It reads to me "Racist inside, don't make eye contact" Just kidding, but seriously

2)Honor Roll Student: We are all proud of your honor roll student, and by we I mean just you.  The funny part about these stickers is they don't make your student feel important.  It doesn't even say the name of the  person who earned it. 

2A) Your pet is not smarter than anyones child.  That sticker is the reason you are 45 and lonely.  Get some friends and stop buying bumper stickers about your pet Cat Lady.

3) Free Tibet:  From the sticker we can come to a few conclusions.  A) Tibet isn't free and we need to free it but you didn't tell me how and 5 seconds later we no longer care. B) Tibet is free, where can I get my share. I don't know how it taste but Free Tibet sounds delicious

4)Subaru Driver, Bumper Sticker: You are a hippy and nobody cares what you have to say.  Go away and take a shower.

5) "I'd Rather Be Fishing":  Would you really rather be fishing than being stuck in traffic? You are the only person who would rather be somewhere else older male.  You wouldn't rather be in Vegas, or in LA on the beach? You my friend are stupid and I hope you never get to go fishing again.

6)The Jesus Fish: "Everytime I think of Jesus all I can think about is fish".  I have one word for the rich idiot who thought of this bumper sticker...WOW

7) The Darwin Sticker:  You, evolution believer were so threatend by the Jesus fish that you had to copy it and add feet.  Bravo you passive aggressive sissy; you are clearly one upping the religious zealots now.  You my friend are not only a thief but gutless. 

Rule of thumb: Unless your bumper sticker is so funny that you must share, then keep it to yourself.  Before you put it on your car ask yourself this "Will this enhance almost everybodies day?".  If the answer is no, then you should say no.  Lastly, say no to mini vans!!!!

Always A Fire | Chad Jones Documentary

Great story about a sure thing that gets ripped from you in an instant. 

I Hate Your Facebook Posts

                              

I remember when I first got a facebook account back in Freshman year of college.  It was such a nice tool back then.  That was when only college students could get it and before the term "Facebook Stalking" was invented.  It was a way for college kids to stay connected aka a way for guys to hunt down girls in college (as if the traditional way wasn't working good enough), but then the evolution began.  They soon opened it  to all kinds of people: High School kids, Parents, businesses etc; and slowly but surely it lost its allure.  You're photo albums of you passed out wasted with penises drawn all over your face, because you have awesome friends, no longer was a source of hilarity but rather a tool to be used against you in job interviews.  Your plans for the night posted on your status suddenly became an invitation for the crazy guy to show up and awkwardly stare at you ( you know who you are guy, and you girls all have that facebook friend).  However, all of this isn't what made Facebook into a shell of what it use to be...YOU DID!!!

You ruined Facebook for everybody with your silly posts that aren't relevant to anyone on your friends list.  You don't believe me...here is the list of annoying things that people do on Facebook. Tell me you don't agree.

1) Repeatedly Posting pictures of your child:  We were all happy for you being pregnant and expecting your first child (We doesn't include your disappointed parents, your best friend or the babys father but you get the idea). But then, it took a turn for the worst.  It got annoying when you started posting pictures of your pregnant stomach all over THE BOOK every two weeks. We get it, you're getting huge. That's really important because you are the first girl to ever get a huge stomach when shes pregnant.  Amazing. Just when we didn't think it could get any worse, you actually had the child and every breathing moment became a photo that you just had to share with all of us.  Let me be very clear here: WE DON'T HATE YOU OR YOUR CHILD BUT DAMN. WE DON'T NEED TO SEE ALL OF IT. 

2)Posting Pictures of your food:  THE BOOK is not a cooking website.  We don't give a damn what you made or what you ordered at a restaurant unless it is of epic proportions.  Get that off my timeline.  Posting pictures of your food could only mean two things: you're fat, or you will be fat very soon.  (Literally just laughed loudly to myself) 

3) The Religious Guilt:  I am not taking a stance on religion here because religions themselves don't annoy me...but what does is your "Like this if you love God. If you don't, keep scrolling.  Only you and God will know".  This is the most ridiculous garbage.  I'm sure liking this picture or status will keep God off my back for 24 hours, I don't know how people ever got along with God before THE BOOK came along.  I'm plenty sure that God is more concerned with the fornication that you were involved in on Saturday night and liking this picture/or status wont get you out of the buddy. 

4) THIS:
I admit these kind of little gems were hilarious when people first started doing them. Now they are just annoying as hell.  Any ten year old with a computer could do this, why is yours so important.  I hate your guts. 

5) Your Shameless Publicity:  You are pushing a product and we have to hear about it every 5 seconds.  Cool right? NO. No one understands more than I do that having people aware of your product is the best way to sell, but as a salesman I also understand that bombardment is a horrible sales strategy.  Inform me, humor me, show me why I should be interested or want to buy. Get that mess off my timeline. 

If you are guilty of these atrocities, don't feel bad, don't get mad. Just stop doing it, and you'll be amazed at how quickly people will start liking your statuses again.  Bums

"Colored People Time" Explained

                                       

Quite often I get invited to events by my friends, whether it be a barbecue, party, or round of golf; and for some reason I cannot get myself together in time to be there when I told them I would get there.  Its really quite mind boggling because I fully intended to be there on time, and sometimes I even intend on getting there early but it never happens.  My whole life I've always heard of this phenomenon called Colored People Time, and always thought it was just people looking to attribute tardiness to Black people, (we all know that everything bad is always attributed to black people, ie the Civil War which had nothing to do with us).  However, the older I get I see that this thing Colored People Time is a real thing and can be explained, I fully intend to here.

First, we all know that whenever you invite your Black friends to events we/they are always at least 10 to 15 minutes late.  Initially you think that because Black people are inherently so hip and cool that we have to always be fashionably late, false. Even though we are inherently more hip and cool than any other race; if you don't believe me challenge us to a dance contest...Yeah, I didn't think you wanted that problem, we've all seen "You Got Served".  When we are tardy it is not a conscious thing, we really cannot help it.

Secondly, you think to yourself "okay, since *insert name of Black friend here* cannot be on time I will always tell them to be wherever it is they need to be at least 15 earlier than the real time". This at first seems brilliant, however do not let us get ahold of this information at all. It will work the first time, maybe even twice but we all know the saying, "fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, I'm going to be a half hour late next time because you think you can play me sucka".  I think it goes something like that.  So what do you do? You accept it.

So how do we explain this phenomenon? It goes back to slavery.  Back when the ancestors of Caucasian Americans were punishing my ancestors for taking breaks or not doing enough in the fields we developed an aversion for time.  We learned to work so diligently and steady that time was not a factor.  We didn't have watches or clocks. All we had was the sun and the moon.  So while your ancestors were indoors, enjoying the manual air conditioner (house slave fanning them), and looking at their pocket watch and thinking it was about time for dinner or lunch or whatever the event be. My ancestors were working away, and the same goes for us today. When we are late to your party, dinner, or whatever, it is because we were at home working diligently. Working diligently making sure these Jordans match perfectly with my shirt and hat (they always do); or working diligently smacking some person on Xbox in Madden; or quite honestly working diligently not giving a damn about being on time to your event.

In closing, DONT YOU EVER, EVER, EVER REFER TO YOUR BLACK FRIEND BEING LATE BECAUSE THEY ARE ON COLORED PEOPLE TIME. You will most likely get publicly disrespected and probably lose your Black friend.  Never refer to a Black person as colored...you will always lose.  Anyway, the next time I am late to your event, understand. Understand that it is in my DNA, and nothing can change whats in our DNA.  ;)

Ladies and Gentlemen...Cory Ford!!!!

                                     

This fake smiling black person above is Cory Ford.  Dont bother googling him because all you will find is a picture of him and Jerry Sandusky doing The Waterboy hand slap (true story).  I've known Cory for a long time, and he has always been one of the funniest people I know, however this blog post has nothing to do with him being funny or witty or even having the worst rapist stache this side of The Mississippi (also true).  This blog post is a pay it forward story, it is funny in the sense that it relates back to one of my previous blogs about Homeless Entrepreneurs (check that out by the way).  I copied this story from his facebook profile. Check it out and spread the word of this, its pretty amazing. 

"For the first time ever walking in the city, a homeless man asked not for money but straight up asked me to buy him some food. So I said "Hell Yeah man!!! What do you want?" I think he was shocked I said yes. We walked into McDonalds and he tried to order a Big Mac but it was still breakfast. I think he was kinda disappointed. It was kinda like the scene on Big daddy but reversed. He ended up ordering a Big Breakfast and then ordered a Egg McMuffin for his "wife". I'm pretty sure there wasn't a wife. But all in all I think he was happy and I feel pretty damn good about it too, even if he did eat his "wifes" food too."

This little act may have changed this homeless mans whole day, week, or even month.  Maybe now the homeless guy will  stop drinking so much and harassing random strangers for change.  Probably not, but  its a thought.  Anyhow, take notice and pay it forward. 

Lastly, I figured the best way to reward Cory for this random act of kindness is to make him a celebrity of sorts.  Spread the story, if you see him on the streets yell loudly that Raphael was the worst Ninja Turtle and give him a high five; he'll love this...trust me.