Happy Valentines Day

As we get set to embark on one of the most romantic holidays ever created, I wanted to check with you guys and make sure we all understand the importance of Valentines Day. 

Before we can fully understand the importance of this holiday for couples around the globe, we should first learn the history of it. You can find it here (http://www.npr.org/2011/02/14/133693152/the-dark-origins-of-valentines-day). Condensed version however is that the Ancient Romans created it from their festival called Lupercalia, a fertility ritual basically, where men and women were paired randomly. Now that we have that out of the way, we can get down to business.

Guys, I hope you planned ahead and set those reservations at your local Applebee's, or if you're a real romantic worth his weight in gold, Red Lobster. Because nothing says "you mean the world to me" like Cheddar Biscuits from Red Lobster. That's only partially joke, Cheddar Biscuits are more important than engagement rings fellas. This year should truly be something special for all the couples celebrating because it'll be on a Friday. With Valentines Day falling on a Friday, you will have to incur more than the normal amount of difficulty getting a table, or if you really love her...a booth and yes it matters. 

By the way, I hope you had flowers already ordered and got her work address right; because let's be real, if you dont send the flowers to her office where the bitter single ladies can see them then why get her flowers at all? It's only partially about the gesture of you spending at least an hours worth of salary on meaningless plants that are basically overpriced air freshener.  It's more about the announcement that your woman, your special lady, is taken. And some of the ladies in the office...aren't. Ladies, you better believe that the women who aren't, may be smiling and "admiring" your gorgeous bouquet on the outside, but on the inside they hope you eat some bad crab at Red Lobster tonight and get food poisoning. Only after you stick your face into your bouquet to sniff your red roses and you suddenly break out in some nasty herpes looking rash because you're suddenly allergic. 

Almost as important as the flowers to work, is some sort of chocolate. Nothing says "I love your beauty" more than an acne breakout in a heart shaped box. You better mean it fellas, because after she smashes that box of mystery chocolates not only will she break out like a 15 year old girl before school pictures and be completely unrecognizable. 

If you do it all perfectly guys, you may get lucky at the end of the night. However, if you get lucky are you really lucky? You both had a very large meal, and you better believe you each had at least four Cheddar Biscuits. Not to mention dessert; because your lovely lady deserves cheesecake or a molten lava chocolate cake if her little heart desires it. And ladies, you better eat dessert. If your man is taking you out on Valentines day, then you can rest assured that he won't leave you for at least a few weeks because he's just made a big investment in you. Get that food item that leaves you bloated. You also have to consider the fact that you're eating for lonely Karen from the office as well.  Anyway, with all that considered, bloated gassy sex is the last thing that should happen. 

Basically what I'm saying is that Valentines day is ridiculous. Nothing about any of these rituals is special. Few things tell your significant other they are special like getting them gifts on the exact same day as millions of other significant others getting gifts. Not to mention, they are receiving gifts not because you just thought they deserved it, but because it's expected because hallmark says so. Or maybe I'm just cheap. Either way, at least you know how I feel. 

The Booty Titanic

Oh, my white brethren...you've done it again. You continue to take cruises and continue to fall victim to numerous "accidents". The definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing and expecting a different result. Well, it appears you guys are insane. 

First, let me clarify. I say white brethren because there is something engrained deeply in the genetic make up of black people that will not allow us to get on a giant ship/boat, with a lot of other people and not be paranoid. You've probably never realized it, but we don't do boats. Every time you've gone fishing or waterskiing, I can almost guarantee you won't or haven't seen a black person out on the water. If you catch us on the water, it's by accident or we're too drunk to disagree. The only boat it's acceptable to catch a black person on is the Banana Boat. 

Now, when I think vacation, I'm definitely not thinking of one of the most terrific ways to die. Because that's what a cruise is. It's a terrific way to die. Who doesn't want to go down with the band in Titanic and a couple thousand of your closest strangers? I won't even get on a ferry, and the only reason I ride the lazy river at Water World is because my feet can touch the bottom. Not to mention if something goes wrong on the lazy river, it's every man for himself. Not this "let the elderly, the women, and the children be saved first" mentality. EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!!! 

I thought this was 2014... Why are we still traveling by boat? I thought people knew the best way to travel was by direct flights. If I want to see the Carribean, I will be taking direct flights to all my destinations, not taking the upgraded version of Columbus' first stops in the slave trade. At least if something goes wrong on a plane it's a relatively quick death. ("Ahhh, I'm hangliding...I'm dead"). However, how long was the terrifying death scene in Titanic? Wasn't that single scene like it's own VHS tape on the original version? And that's a movie. In movies they condense things so you don't fall asleep. So technically it took Leonardo Di Caprio like 30 hours to freeze to death (its science. Look it up). I know most cruises aren't in freezing waters, but every cruise goes right through a sharks living room, and they're waiting to make you pay for intruding. Whenever a cruise ship goes down sharks refer to it as Thanksgiving. 

Did the people on this cruise not see what happened to those people on that cruise a few years ago, where they lost power and had to take poops like cavemen? Right over the side folks.  Nothing says relaxation like being a dead battery away from the State of Nature (Big ups to John Locke). Also, nothing says relaxation like Diarrhea, vomiting and gastrointestinal disease while stuck in a tiny room that traps smells like an elevator full of fat guys after a chili luncheon. 

While I don't advise taking all your life lessons from black people, you can certainly take a few. One of these lessons is not twerking. You guys ruined that and made the news anchors sound stupid.  Look at how we travel. Planes, trains and automobiles folks. Death is quick if something goes wrong, and help is usually pretty close...unless your driving through Kansas...or Nebraska, or rural Texas. You get the point. 

Here's the article. 

http://www.cnn.com/2014/01/25/travel/cruise-ship-illness/index.html?hpt=hp_t1

Help! I'm Being Domesticated

As many of you may know, I've had a whirlwind 4 months. Becoming a dad, and then almost simultaneously purchasing a home. What many of you don't know, is that I'm slowly falling victim to a crime that happens all over this great nation everyday, but continues to go unprosecuted. The crime I speak of takes hundreds and thousands of men's self image daily. The crime: American Male Domestication. 

"What does the crime include"? Well, I'm glad you asked. When a red blooded American male is out of captivity and free to roam, he parties, he watches football endlessly. He takes naps recklessly and sticks his hands in his pants without worry of who may be watching. However, in the process of American Male Domestication there are many symptoms that indicate you are being domesticated.  

SYMPTOMS

1) If you find yourself ordering coffee from Starbucks and your coffee includes more than zero machiattos or lattes. 

2)If you know what drink your female counterpart wants from said Starbucks and you can recite it forward, backwards, and say it in Italian, French or whatever the hell language that damn menu is in with no problem. 

3) If you aren't working, aren't dressing up for some special occasion, or aren't playing golf, what in the Sam hell is your shirt doing tucked in your pants. 

3B) If you're tucking your tshirt in your jeans, and wearing some ridiculous New Balance shoes that don't match your outfit and you never go running. Don't even attempt to turn around and go the opposite direction. You are in too deep, it's too late for you. All you can do is preach the good word to the up and coming males and warn of this epidemic. 

4) If your Christmas list includes: Peace and quiet, tools, and a Starbucks Card, exactly in that order. (This is my particular affliction)

5) If you clothes shop at WalMart. I don't mean socks and underwear. I mean jeans, shoes, the whole nine yards. You've clearly given up on man hood and trying to appear attractive to the opposite sex and now your female counterpart just deals with you because she's stuck with you. 

-there is one exception to this rule: The Nascar WalMarter. This man shops at Walmart because everything manly for him is found here. Nothing more manly than an Intimidator tshirt and some wranglers. 

If you find you are experiencing any of these symptoms, resist immediately and proceed with any one of these solutions. 

Solutions: Grow a manly mustache, walk around with bear chest and fist fight like you live in the 1920's. 

Go on a weekend drinking binge like you were in college again, or if you have to, as a last resort, wear a pair of jorts(jean shorts) with a cut off tee shirt and drink beer and curse nonstop. 

Guys, I'm here to warn you. I'm beginning to fall victim I this crime.  I've tried the police but they don't seem to care. I need Johnny Cochran to help but he's long gone. Use this blog as a warning to all men to come. Don't fall into this trap. Keep being reckless, keep your hand in your pants, and for gods sake, don't go to bed before 10pm unless your work crazy hours. 

Boo This Man!

                          

Have you ever been to a sporting event and witnessed the behavior deemed acceptable? It's completely hilarious but at the same time it's nonsensical. People booing other people, people throwing things, and of course people flipping the bird. Have you ever stopped to consider how this behavior would be received in the real world? I have. 

What would happen if while your checking out at King Soopers, me and three of my closest friends stood behind you and screamed obscenities at you while you load your groceries on the belt? "Hurry up you lousy son of a b*tch.  If it were up to me I'd trade you. You should be happy I'm not your wife, I don't know why they let you in the store!"  My buddies and I are fans of the store and you're in our house. Not to mention as you leave the parking lot to take that long road trip back home, we moon you and throw eggs at your vehicle.  

For better comparison, lets take it to your job, since the guys you're booing are at work. 

"Hey, you sign twirling bastard, get a real job. You know McDonald's is hiring." 

"Barista, you better get this coffee right. I have you on my fantasy team and this is your last chance. You mess this up and you're gonna end up like Pacman Jones; or worse...OJ Simpson. I'll call Magic Johnson himself and let him know what a shitty job you've been doing." 

Even worse than the blatant stupidity displayed at games is the blatant stupidity displayed in casual sports conversation or talk radio. I've too often heard average guys talk about football or other sports like they've been there or like they truly understand what's going on. "Why did he throw the ball there? He's an idiot." This comes from a guy who was a below average junior varsity linebacker on a 2-8 team in his glory days. That's the equivalent of me coming to his IT job and talking trash. "Why did you write that code like that? Don't make me send your ass back to the matrix. An eight year old could do a better job with an abacus. I don't care if it doesn't make sense, you write that code and get it right or ill have you gone faster than a virus on a computer" 

You hear how ridiculous this all sounds? You sound the exact same way in the stands, on your couch, in your car, or wherever you yell at professionals or whenever you discuss things you don't fully understand. So please do us all a favor and sit down and shut the hell up. Thank you. 

Excuse Me If I'm a Chipotle Snob

                             
Ladies and Gentlemen, I must admit that I...Am a Chipotle Snob.  They always say that the first step to recovery is to admit that you have a problem. However, I don't believe that being a Chipotle snob is a problem; I'm actually rather fond of it.  When I go to order my burrito, my bowl, or whatever it may be; I know exactly what I want BEFORE I get to the front of the line.  I always say please and thank you, as well as asking how the person prepping my meal is, because as every Chipotle snob knows it is crucial that the person making your burrito be in a good place for your burrito to reach its maximum tastiness.
However, I've digressed from my original point of starting this blog.  I am a Chipotle Snob, and I am tired of going in to pick up the worlds tastiest linner(lunch +dinner=...Dunch also works here) and being forced to witness a plethora of rookie mistakes while I wait on line.  Its akin to watching a beheading involuntarily.  Yes, it's that painful to watch.  I've composed a list of the top mistakes and plain Idiocracy I've witnessed.  Please alert your friends and family, as we don't want them to fall victim to these same mistakes.

1) Don't let your child order for themself:  Children are feable, weak minded human beings and most children, when given multiple choices, will freeze up like a monkey in outer space.  You, the adult must do the ordering for the child.  DO NOT consult with this weak minded half person and slow the line down because you want your kid to feel special.  Lady, your kid is no more special than the one that I left in the car with the engine running, so lets speed this process up.

2A) The sneeze guard isn't just for appearance: I have seen too many people lurch over the glass and put their booger makers directly over the salsa choices, only to open their mouths and let the burrito artist (Yes, it is art.  Akin to the Mona Lisa) know exactly which ingredient they would like in their food.  Was it at all necessary for you to subject the rest of the public to your ill manners and stupidity, not to mention your poor hygiene, when you could have spoken from behind the glass?  I didn't think so.  

2B)Also, don't reach your dumb assed hand over the sneeze guard to point directly to the ingredient that you want.  These ladies may not speak perfect english, or any at all, but trust me, they understand the words mild, hot, and corn.  It may be the only three English words that they understand but they know them well.  So stop with the reach around.  Thats only ok in one place and it is not your friendly neighborhood Chipotle.
3)Get the phone off your damn head:  Unless the person on the other end is President Obama and he is explaning the reasons for NSA spying then take the damn Iphone from your head.  Trust me, whatever your saying can wait for two minutes until you reach the cashier and then you can call your co-worker back to complain about Brittany in HR.

4)Be ready to go: There need not be any contemplation on what you would like to order.  Any indecision you may have had, better be worked out in your head by the time you get to the tortilla warmer.  If you pause to look up at the very limited menu, the person behind you has the right to smack you in the back of the head so hard that you will feel like a runaway slave.
In addition to that, don't ever take an order, by phone, of someone who is not at the restaurant.  Having a text order is fine, but the minute you begin to spit off all the options for food to the person on the phone your Chipotle privileges are removed and you go to the back of the line or to the nearest nearest nursing home. That way you can understand what it feels like to be pissed on by the person in front of you.  We are usually in a hurry and don't want our 30 minute corporate lunch "hour" ruined by that fecal matter that you call a brain.

This list is not exhaustive, but I am exhausted.  I'm tired of watching you miscrients destroy my burritoful experience.  I don't come to your house during the Super Bowl and break the TV and ruin your day, so don't ruin mine and coutless other peoples day.
I know that you all aren't such piss poor human beings that you could forget these easy rules.  Pass these on. Abide by them, and I can assure you that we will all be better for it.  Or at the very least, the little Spanish speaking ladies behind the counter will appreciate it.

VIVA CHIPOTLE!!!

Stupid Teenagers

I definitely understand what it's like to be a teenager cause I was one not too long ago. I remember constantly thinking I was so important and life was so difficult. I also remember thinking that us teenagers were so slick. That if our parents only knew what we were doing they would kill us, or beat us within an inch of our lives. So in fear of of losing our lives or never seeing the light of day again we would try our damnedest to keep our bad decisions from our parents. Kids these days seem to be doing the opposite. 

Technology seems to be having a negative effect on today's youth and their social norms. Never would my generation ever record ourselves making a twerking video and post it online. My mom would have whooped me in public and made everybody in the neighborhood watch. It's one thing to make a bad decision and then your parents find out, but it's another thing to make a series of bad decisions. The twerking video is a series of dumb assed(pun intended) decisions. 

Decision 1) "We should get some girls to Twerk" (the teenage boy in me can't say this is a bad decision but neither is it good)

Decision 2) "We should record this twerking so we can recall it later and laugh/boast about it" (the story itself should be enough. This is a stupid decision)

Decision 3) "We should post this video we made, and edited, to YouTube so the whole world can see it." (Stupid,stupid,stupid)

Some things are meant to be stories and stories only. Someone in this generation will have to be president one day...how many twerking videos will come out during the campaign, and what will be an excusable amount? 

Personally, I think the worst part is that these kids never learn what is smart and what isn't. How many stupid kids need to get caught fighting, when no adults were around, because someone recorded it and sent it out to all their friends, before they learn to not record the damn fight?

Apparently the camera phone is the brain drain of this generation. However, I look forward to voting when I'm 60 for a guy or girl who makes Herman Cain and Arnold Schwarzenegger look like saints. 

My Weekend at The Southwest Regional

   

I first want to congratulate all the competitors on their weekend, as it was impressive to see the broad range of fitness across a broad range of body types.  The longer I continue with Crossfit the more I am amazed at what the human body can accomplish.  I watched a 120 pound woman, I'm probably over estimating, overhead squat 200 pounds like it was just a 45 pound barbell.  I witnessed a male competitor power clean, jerk, and overhead squat 305 pounds like it was a childs toy. These pure displays of strength, stamina and endurance coupled with outrageous physiques kept my jaw on the floor for the entire weekend.

In the Muslim religion, each person is required in their life to make a journey/pilgrimage, or Hajj, to the holy and sacred city of Mecca.  This tradition is to display ones submission to Allah and the Muslim religion. It is also to display the solidarity of the Muslim people. Although Crossfit isn't a religion, it most certainly is a way of life just like being a devout Muslim.  I whole heartedly recommend taking the Hajj to a Crossfit Regional competition, or the Crossfit Games if you can afford it and are looking to make the next step in your fitness life.
These competitions will open your eyes as to what it takes to get the body you want, or just to increase your Fran time.  It takes a complete buy in.  The people who are the best all have one thing in common...they have bought in completely and fully believe in themselves.  Obviously it takes talent and hardwork to get to where these athletes are in their fitness careers but the buy in is the most important.  I can fully attest to working hard in the gym, but up until about a month ago I hadn't really began to buy in.  I wasn't invested with more than just my time and dollars.  A full buy in takes that next step to mental buy in, the full commitment to a lifestyle and way of thinking that success in any endeavor requires.
With this being said, I will begin my complete buy in process right this second.  While it will be tough, arduous and very tempting to quit, I am buying in completely. It will not happen overnight, but consider me a competitive Crossfitter from here on out.
While this blog has been mostly about Crossfit, take my experience and apply it to your life. If you want to own a successful restaurant of your own one day, frequent a successful restaurant and see what it takes to make it happen.  Go behind the scenes and watch the hardwork and preparation that goes into it.  Apply this technique to any walk of life.  Since I want to be the best at Crossfitting, I needed this trip.  While it hurt my pockets, it was well worth the experience.  You will feel the same way about your experiences, I can assure you.