The Mini Van Chronicles

                     
Some of you will look at this picture and think "wow a fully loaded mini van. I wonder if its got a in dash navigation system that comes with it. Also, are those seats stain proof?"  If you are a lady with kids you should be thinking that way. If you are a guy with kids...KILL YOURSELF. 

Your life is officially over.  I don't know what your wife/girlfriend/partner did to you but your testicles have officially been repossessed.  Guys, if you saw this picture and said anything other than "oh, a mini van" to yourself just give up. Give up, because with that thought process life for you will be nothing more than baby spit up, soccer practice, running the kids to sleepovers and almost zero sex. The only time you will get sex is when the kids are at the babysitters...which is ALMOST NEVER. 

You will be suckered, multiple times I may add, into having more kids when your wife "randomly" wants to have sex with you.  And you'll be more excited than my dog when we pull the treats out and she cant contain her bladder.  A month later your wife will say to you with a big smile on her face that she is pregnant again. In your head you will scream "F*CK, I'm never having sex with her again". R.E.M. will also be there singing "Its the end of the world as we know it" as you pass out and hit your head on the wall sconces.  I don't know what a wall sconce is but you will because you will no longer have functioning testicles.

The moral of this story is before you ever think to agree to the test drive of the mini van at the car dealership go to the bathroom.  In the bathroom, pull your pants down and think to yourself if you are willing to never see those little guys again.  If you are okay with that then go ahead, purchase the mini van.  If not, go back outside grab your wife by the hand and tell her you will be purchasing a gas guzzling SUV because the price of gas is a low price to keep your testicles. 

Newt joke about Fox News

Uh oh. Dude is not going to get the Republican vote after this screw up. Newt Gingrich says that people on Fox News don't know what they are talking about. Black people been saying this for years and now maybe someone will listen to us after the white dude who used to work there says something.

The Age of Understanding?

          

What do you think of when you see this picture? Is it "oh that looks just like my grandparents", or "how cute, I didn't know they were still allowed to smile at that age"?  My point is that there are many responses to this picture and none of which I hope is "do they still get it on?".  Well if you are a marketer for Viagra, Cialis and whatever it is that Smilin Bob promotes. By the way, thats the face of a rapist in heat! He shouldn't be so happy about an erection cause when I get one I usually have the opposite reaction like "really bro, now, this is so not the time man. I'm in the middle on a presentation at work and you do this shit." 
                                         
Well the newest ploy in the erectile dysfunction pills is the Viagra commercials "Age of Understading".  The commercials project these older guys as wise, manly and everything that a man wants to be.  They try and give you the idea that taking erectile dysfunction pills is totally normal and you should be proud that you take Viagra.  Well folks, its not ok. If you can't get an erection to have sex then you shouldn't be having sex.  Or you should try sex with someone who is more attractive because your wife must be ultra gross.

I tell you what, I hope I never reach the age of understanding. If thats understanding then I don't want to know a damn thing. I want to be the most ignorant person on the face of the earth.  If that means that I can have a sex drive than I'll happily be dumb.  They say ignorance is bliss and Viagra is definitely proving it. 

Cartoons Taught Me Everything

                                           
Just the other day I got up on a Saturday morning, turned the television on and ran into an old cartoon favorite of mine...Dragon Ball Z. However, now its called Dragon Ball Z Kai just so these stupid kids think its new.  I began to think to myself about what cartoons were like when I was a kid.  Tom and Jerry was a classic; no matter what day it was or what time of the day you could turn to one of a few of the cartoon channels and run into a Tom and Jerry rerun.  Think about the things you learned from watching Tom and Jerry. Before I even had any pets I knew that cats hated mice because the mouse wanted to get the food out of the house that the cat stayed in.  I also learned that cats and dogs didn't get along either but this relationship really has never been explained. Anyhow, thinking about this cartoon inspired me to put together a list of the cartoons I used to watch and the things I learned from them.  So here it goes hope you enjoy it.

Ren and Stimpy:  Chihuahuas are already funny looking dogs but I don't know who the person is who decided to animate one and put him on drugs. From this cartoon I learned that drugs are bad and that you should never piss on an electric fence.  Trust me, Don't piss on the electric fence!

Animaniacs:  Kids left to fend for themselves is a terribly bad idea.  If kids are left to fend for themselves then they will resort to violence and crazy antics.  Also, I learned that if you scream " Hellooooooooo Nurse" repeatedly at an attractive nurse then it will be considered sexual harassment (even though I learned this in adulthood. The charges are still pending though so I can't really talk about it).

Pinky and The Brain:  This show came on during the Animaniacs show, which I may say that is entirely too much stupid for any kid to take in during one half hour.  I don't know how all of our brains didn't turn in fish food.  From this show I learned that a genius and an idiot should never hang out together. Even more importantly I learned that you should never leave an obvious idiot with an idiot who thinks they are a genius, this is usually what happens when you watch Americas Dumbest Criminals and 2 guys try to rob a store with a rubber chicken.  Most importantly though: Never, Never Ever...try and take over the world.  History shows you won't be successful

Angry Beavers: I didn't learn this until I got much older but adults enjoy some things about cartoons much more than kids will ever understand.  If you don't know what I'm talking about then read the name again....now you got it.

Rocko's Modern Life: Whoever wrote this show must have been a pessimist. All this show was on for was to teach kids that no matter how hard you try, no matter what decisions you make, your life will always be a shitty, miserable existence.  I mean Rocko had a fat cow as a best friend, and this best friend always found a way to unintentionally kick Rocko when he was down.  The bad part is that the writer was absolutely correct.  Life is pretty shitty at times.

The Adventures of Captain Planet: I don't even know where to start. This show turned every single one of us into world loving, racially and ethnically accepting children.  What made it even better is that the guy who ended up saving the world was a blue superhero that could only come around when every race worked together.  Everything that Captain Planet taught us was great until we were about 15 when we began to want cars; and cars run on gas, which puts out a horrible exhaust...oh well. Captain Planet ain't paying my bills if I don't get to work.  Or now you can't work because the Mexicans have all the jobs, or now you have no money because the African tricked you with a craigslist scheme, or now your broke because you had money  in the stock market and those greedy white bankers lost all of it.  Whatever it was for you that turned your inner Captain Planet off, but we all eventually grew up.

Where In the World Is Carmen Sandiego: We still havent found this lady. She is more evasive than Osama Bin Laden. The more I think of it, the more enraged I get. I even played the game in school and could never find her.  Can you say bullshit?

Pokemon: I will admit that I liked Pokemon and I even played the game. But I was never nerdy enough to collect the cards and actually sit down and play a game out.  I learned by not playing that you never want to be the kid with glasses playing card games in the cafeteria during recess.  I learned that Asians are very creative and very possessive.  Why do they have to catch them all?

Johnny Bravo: One of my personal favorites. It taught me that having hair that is gelled like crazy and muscles don't mean anything to a woman if you aren't a nice charming guy.  Or at least that's what I thought I learned until Jersey Shore came along.  Those guys are just exact replicas of Johnny, but add alcohol and fame and apparently women love those two things more than they love their own self respect.

Add to the Comments what you learned if you would like. I could have gone on forever.

Damien Walters 2011 Official Showreel

Check out this free running/parkour/gymnastics. I don't know if you've ever heard of this but watch the video. No more words needed.

Crazy Mormons

                            
I know I'm not the only one who has seen these billboards pop up in their town.  I also know I'm not the only one who thinks this is weird.  I have never seen a billboard that reads "I'm a lutheran" or "I'm a Jehovahs Witness".  Something about this whole ad campaign seems like WWII Germany.  FYI if you are a Mormon you are probably going to get pissed at me during these next few paragraphs...Sorry I'm not sorry. 

What religion has to produce an ad campaign to promote their cause? I know that mainstream Christianity doesn't need ads because they are good enough self promoters but come on Mormons.  You cant be serious. Look at this billboard, (I pulled over to take this picture by the way. You're Welcome), why are they all smiling? Whats the message that this portrays? Mormons are happy? They even throw a guy in there who appears to be of middle eastern descent just to intice you some more.  This is absolutely ridiculous.  Its propaganda, similar to that of The Hitler Youth in my opinion. Thats probably too far but you get how I feel about this. 

Religion isn't like the newest burger at Wendys, which is delicious by the way. You cant just promote it using billboards with people smiling.  Religion isn't those new Nikes that fit just perfectly, its not the new couch from Sofa Mart, or even something more permanent like the new bed from Mattress King. (I should be getting paid for these name drops).  My point though is that you cant promote a religion like a product.  Any religion that does appears to be after your pockets. the same way that Wendys and Nike are. 

Religion isnt like those new Nikes that after a while get dirty and you throw them away or buy a new pair. But thats what they are promoting.  Frankly, the whole concept of what they are doing here is embarrassing

On the lighter side however, I went to the website and boy was I shocked.  It is built like an eHarmony without the fee.  The front page has these profiles on it that read like the cheesiest thing ever. The guy that pops up is BBQing and it tells how he is going green. Hilarious. 

I couldn't drive by another one of these without ranting about it.  Check out the site for your own personal enjoyment. Mormon.org

Double Standards. The Right Choice

                                                    
How often do girls get pissed off because there are double standards in life? No need to answer because I'll answer it for you.  ALL THE TIME.  Only when girls develop into women do they begin to understand why this happens.  Most of you females who are reading this aren't women yet and thus don't understand what I will be saying in the next few paragraphs.  Don't get mad either, its just the truth. 
The reason for double standards are simple.  Girls get pregnant, guys don't.  This is the first reason that guys get away with things that girls don't.  Like sleeping with lots of different people and it not being a big deal.  Guys get called players and girls get called sluts for this one reason.  When a guy whores around the most he can come home with is an STD. Girls can come home with an STD, a baby and a game of Clue (trying to figure out who the dad is).  If you get pregnant you can be called a slut, with this logic no guy can ever be called a slut.  I don't make the rules I just follow them so don't get mad at me. 
Another reason for this is just the pure anatomy of it all.  Guys have penises, girls have vaginas.  One sticks out, the other one doesn't.  When one gets dirty it is farely easy to clean, the other...not so much.  Think of it this way.  When you eat in your car what happens? You get crumbs everywhere, you might spill a drink on the seats or the carpet and make the dashboard sticky.  How easy is the interior of a car to clean...?  Pretty  damn difficult. If you don't believe me go to your car and try to get all the old french fries out the cracks and old bread crumbs vacuumed up between the seats.  What about the exterior of your car? Easy right. You just go to the car wash pay a few bucks and a machine can do it all for you while you listen to some new Drake.  Of course if you want it to be super clean, you shine the rims and all that but its still less tedious than cleaning the interior. What i'm saying is that its easy for us to fathom a dude who sleeps around keeping his junk clean, but a girl who does the same thing...we think she has french fries everywhere and red soda on her carpets. And that shit doesn't come out, I don't care how hard you scrub. 

So if you have kids think about this. Inform your kids of this. In no way am I saying that its okay for guys to be whores, but is it easier to forget about.  Absolutely. 

P.S. I choose Madonnas picture because she is one of the most famous sleezies of her time.